alwaysseeking123

Latest Posts by alwaysseeking123

People need to understand that for those who have gone through trauma experience things differently.

If you went through an abandonment as a child, a breakup others would get over with in months can take years to overcome.

If you went through domestic abuse, even small changes in a loved one's tone can make you anxious.

If you were belittled your whole childhood, being professionally critized at work can feel like the end of the world.

Trauma effects us for a long time after it occurs.

To all the people who constantly zoned out and daydreamed as a kid and probably told off for it, who learnt how to cry silently before the age of ten and maybe stopped crying entirely, who used books as an escape method and would constantly daydream about running off to a fantasy world, who is most likely now a burnt-out neurodivergent who didn't get diagnosed early so they self-diagnosed instead, and who now wants to groan at the thought of having to wake up another day,

how's the childhood trauma, deep-rooted love hate relationship with your parents, lack of self-esteem and sense of self, and raging queerness doing? you good?

I’m so fucking sick of being treated like shit over and over again simply for existing it wasn’t my choice and I’m really doing my best

Clarice Lispector, from “Miss Algrave”, Soulstorm: Stories (tr. Alexis Levitin)

Fuck a break up.

Have you ever had a parent not want you?

Shit hurts as hell.

The thing is, I know I can survive.

I've done it before, I can do it again.

But why should I have to?

I don't want to.

06.08.2020

Slipping into old familiar ways

That will take me to the same places

Places I don't want to be at

Places that hold my hand right into hell

I watch it happen from the outside

And I let it

Because I don't know another way

...

30.12.21

I shouldn’t have been born

I guess some people are just born unlovable and spend their entire lives being reminded of it by being abandoned without any explanation. It hurts to know that I’m one of them.

Sad but true… x/

It’s never too late.

I’m toxic

I’m poison

I’m a disease

I’m a disorder

I’m a freak

I’m a burden

I’m a monster.

So how could anyone ever love this.

I’m nothing. I’m nothing but a waste of space. A annoyance. A burden. A failure. A disability. A disorder. A freak. A monster. A unlovable. Unwanted. Worthless piece of garbage that will always be just that. Nothing at all.

The thing is I know I’m not worthy of friendship, kindness, or even love... but you made me believe that I could be for a moment, and when you left I remembered why I was alone in the first place.

Because I’m a waste of space and energy.

"Nobody want you in their lives."

-voices in my head

i don’t deserve anyone’s love and affection I don’t deserve it I don’t

“It’s not that I’m unloveable, it’s just that there are better people to love than me.”

— 12:30am // Krystal

I literally have no fucking clue who I am, sometimes I think I’m a super nice person who has been unfairly treated in life and that everyone should love me but other times I’m convinced I’m the most horrible person in the world who can’t possibly have any real friends and that I deserve all the suffering I’ve gone through as punishment for who I am.

Someone who has been emotionally abused will:

• Constantly apologize • Hide their feelings in fear of upsetting you • Break down during small disagreements thinking it will explode • Need a lot of reassurance Please be patient, we are trying.

I needed a hug. I needed to cry on someone else’s lap. I needed someone to shrug off all this hate and pain consuming me. But I only had myself. And I was never enough.

My favorite low-cal substitutes and options! All under 50 calories.

Feel free to add to this! I didn’t include everything out there :)

Drinks 🧋

0 cal - herbal tea 🫖

0 cal - green tea 🍵

0 cal - water flavoring like Mio

0 cal - Diet Coke 🥤

0 cal - pretty much any diet soda

2 cal - Black Coffee ☕️

2 cal - black tea

10 cal - monster ultra (I like paradise and fiesta especially)

20 cal - other sugar free energy drinks

39 cal - shot of sake 🍶

Breakfast (snacks, smoothies, etc)

25 cal - 1 large egg white 🍳

32 cal - 100g Strawberries (~50 cal per cup) 🍓

40 cal - 1/4 c low fat cottage cheese 🦴

42 cal - 1 kiwi 🥝

42 cal - 84 g (1 thick slice) pineapple 🍍

47 cal - 154g (1 c) watermelon 🍉

50 cal - 1/2 grapefruit 🍊

50 cal - 3 oz plain Greek yoghurt

50 cal - 2 tbsp serving powdered peanut butter 🥜

50 cal - 4 oz (120ml) low fat milk 🥛

Meals (mix and match this shit!) 🍴

0-10 cal - serving shirataki noodles 🍜

0-20cal - Broth 🐥

5 cal - 1 c lettuce 🥬

6 cal - 28g (1 oz) pickled onion (do this yourself! So easy! So good on everything) 🧅

7 cal - 1 c spinach 🥗

16 cal - 70g (1 c sliced) mushrooms

17 cal - 1/2 c kale

20 cal - 1 c zucchini 🥒

20 cal - 82g (1 c. cubed) eggplant 🍆

21 cal - 1 tbsp parmesan cheese 🧀

25 cal - whole tomato 🍅

25 - 148g (1 med) bell Pepper 🫑

30 cal - 78g (1 med) Carrot 🥕

30 cal - 116g (1 c) pumpkin

30-40 cal - 1/2 pack or can tuna 🐟

35 cal - 1/2 serving (1.5 oz) cod 🐠

36 cal - 1 c miso soup 🍲

37 cal - 40g shelled edamame

38 cal - 1 c Brussels sprouts

39 cal - 1/2 hard or soft boiled egg 🥚

39 cal - 1/2 serving (42g) halibut (white fish) 🐟

40 cal - 1 c arugula 🥗

40 cal - 186g (10 spears) asparagus

45 cal - 148g (1 med) broccoli 🥦

45 cal - 6 med raw oysters 🦪

45 cal - 3 oz/85g lite tofu

50 cal - 100g (1/2 small-med) sweet potato 🍠

50 cal - 1/2 corn cob 🌽

50 cal - 50g shrimp 🍤

Snacks 🍬

0-8 cal - pickles 🥒

5-10 cal - 1 tbsp salsa

17 cal - 1 passion fruit (18g)

23 cal - 1 tbsp hummus

25 - serving seaweed snack

25 - 1 med bell Pepper 🫑

30 cal - 22 Organic Yogis (okay technically this is baby food but it’s just freeze dried Greek yoghurt and fruit so shut up it’s good) 🍓🍌

30 cal - 300g/1 Cucumber 🥒

35 cal - 1 cutie (small orange/tangerine) 🍊

40 cal - 1 light babybel 🧀

47 cal - 1.5 c Air popped popcorn 🍿

50 cal - 6 oven-baked parm crisps 🧀

50 cal - >1/2 c unsweetened apple sauce 🍎

50 cal - 3 dried apricots 🍑

50 cal - 15 pistachios 🌰🥜

Dessert 🎂

0 cal - Diet Root Beer (I don’t care that it’s a drink! It’s so insanely sweet and it kicks the ass of my cravings. Also, my list my rules. Sue me) 🍺

5 cal - serving Sugar Free Jello 🍮

5 cal - 1 tbsp Hershey’s Sugar Free Syrup 🍫

~14 cal - WHOLE BOTTLE Too Tarts sweet sour spray candy (so a few sprays is just 0-3 cal)

20 cal - 2 tbsp Frozen Cool Whip Lite (seriously, eat this frozen) 🍨

20-50 cal - baked fruit (bake some peaches, apples, etc. and mix with Splenda, cinnamon, etc.) 🍑🍎

23 cal - fun size sweet tart pack

25 cal - no sugar added small outshine popsicles 🍧

25 cal - 1 pack smarties (American) 🍬

35 cal - swiss miss reduced calorie hot chocolate ☕️🍫

40 cal - small Outshine Popsicles 

40 cal - 5 sugar free hard candies 🍬

42 cal - 1 Hershey assorted mini 🍫

43 cal - fat free green yoghurt with sugar-free jam 🍧

46 cal - 2 regular marshmallows

48 - 8 mini Cinnamon Sugar skinny pop Rice Cakes

50 cal - 1-2 squares dark chocolate 🍫

50 cal - 2 Dum dum suckers 🍭

50 cal - ~25 sugar free jelly beans

50 cal - halo top pops (lots of flavors) 🍦

Miscellaneous

0-2 cal - any herb/spice 🌿

4 cal - 1 clove garlic 🧄

5 cal - 1 stick sugar free gum

50 cal - 1/4 container White cheddar seasoning (2 cal per 1/4 tsp) 🧀🧂

50 cal - 10 sugar free mints 🌱

Disclaimer: actual calorie counts may vary depending on serving, brand, food tracker, etc.