vocabulari

Latest Posts by vocabulari

What do you do when the person you would call about it is the one who caused this pain?

Sad and selfish and sulky today, everything is going to change and I’m half-heartedly going through the motions of grief. Figured I would update the void

Today

I laughed until my abs ached with a coworker over silly emails. I wrote texts in iambic pentameter at the bus stop for the fun of it. A baby leaned on my chest like I was the safest place in the world, and another stretched her arms up to me to be held like I could bear her to the moon itself. A book about emotions during Holy Week written for toddlers moved me so much I read it twice. I walked briskly, squinting into warm sunshine, the brightest in days. I saw Jesus more clearly in the character of Moses by reading Acts 7 as if for the first time, I empathized with Paul as I reflected on this murderer going before his old enemies to declare his new allegiance, the shame, the fear. I marveled that Stephen saw Jesus standing at the right hand of God, a Chekhov’s gun I recalled in my class this evening, which, by the way, was the best I’ve been to so far. I realized it’s all about the long slow work of building a community. All of it. This is the work of God Himself. And we image Him in a thousand little ways, with our singing and storytelling and desire to create beautiful, uncorrupted things. Tears pricked my eyes as I realized this. I cooked myself a delicious dinner from scratch while singing Sondheim with my roommate, and put away leftovers for tomorrow. I ate peanut M&Ms and pineapple upside down cake, and felt food freedom and joy in my body. This body can hold two hefty babies at once. This body can sprint to the bus stop and jog up the escalator. This body can do a silly little dance in the kitchen and slide on the tile in socks. I felt seen in my botticelli shirt, known as people recognized that not once but twice I’ve worn artwork. I gave Abby a big hug. I spoke of church without shame in my class, though my heart raced before. I puzzled over the poem mine own John poynz on the metro, missed my stop, and had to backtrack. I read Dracula and chuckled at how girlhood hasn’t changed in 100 or 1000 years. Humans have always laughed and cried and shared salacious stories with their friends. I fretted over what to wear to the movies tomorrow night to see my friends all together. I felt useful and accomplished today. I felt so, so human today. I nearly cried euphoric tears while washing dishes. What greater joy could there be than to be alive on a Wednesday? What greater hope could there be than a realer, truer, freer life to come?

There is no poem that I could write to say

In better terms than this plain journaling

The wonders of existing in the world

Embodied, in community, and free.

I’m weak and I’m decaying, sure, that’s true

But I will never be this young again

And never have more clarity of thought

Or lightness in my heart than I do now.

Great God, what gift you’ve given me to see

That greatness isn’t some ambitious goal

Or changing the whole world, just baby steps,

and loving others through the little things.

Miss Lois told me that and she was right.

Amen and glory hallelujah, Lord!

Another poor sport quitter toddler tantrum everyone, feeling real convicted right now

Human sin and weakness is sooo funny because it's like. The deeper you are in it, the more desperate you are to keep anyone from seeing it and defining you by it. It's unbearable for someone to think of you as "the person with That Problem," and it feels more unbearable the uglier and more public That Problem is, so you scramble to hide (even when it's stupidly obvious you're hiding something, making you "person who Hides Things"), and you cut off relationships where you become too vulnerable (making you "person who Runs Away").

What's so funny is that you only actually get free of being "person with That Problem" (because that's who you are to yourself) when you stop fighting it and accept that you're in Christ, even with the problem. As soon as you can say "I do have That Problem, in fact I have Problems, but I can still be known and loved because who I am is in Jesus and not in myself," you've accomplished what you were after in the first place: being defined apart from the problem.

I can’t believe Russell T. Davies just invented camp

And just like that, and now I am

Unsettled in my life again

The bubble burst, the joy all spent

Alone surrounded by my friends

They love me but can’t understand

There’s nothing more that I could ask

What is this discontented grief?

I feel incurably unwell

Though none externally has changed

Boat capsized at the smallest shift

My heart a songbird in a cage

It’s wailing, howling, and for what?

For all I ever dreamed is here

Perhaps I let my dreams decline

The bird remembers it could fly

And dreamed of more than comforts then

Yet still I think I’ve made a life

Worth living and rejoicing in

And my malaise in paradise

Just proves the problem wasn’t there

It’s in my head, its me, its me.

Guys I am doing my 10 year anniversary pure heroine listen and I know I have completely recovered from mental illness now because I listened to ribs and I didn’t even astral project, I just felt vaguely fond, and a little sad for the little me who related so hard to that song. 21 sure is different than 11 holy lord(e)

Today on doomed romance, we agreed that we care about each other but that it’s best we go our separate ways for now, I will not recover from this

Update it has been 8 days and I am completely hopeless someone come help me

Journal

And its all in my head, (our past, our future)

I can’t get you out of my head

Mind reader, you can see inside my head

Seeing you it all comes to a head

The thought comes into my head

I’ll love you until I’m dead

There’s a part of me that’ll always love you.

The part of me that’s still 13, the part of me that was the beginning of who I am now, not the child but the person. You watched the change, you changed yourself, and we survived that terrible process together, the death of the old us, the horrors of becoming, the fear and loneliness and hope and desire.

And that’s the foundation of who I am today, and you’re there too, imbedded in the cornerstone, along with all the joys and disasters, and I can’t not love you. I love you like I love summertime, or old musicals, or a favorite book. But it’s more than that. I don’t love you like a friend, or a brother, or a lover. Maybe I love you like I love myself. You’re a fragment. You’re a coin I flip, tails for a grudge and disappointment and bitterness, heads for overwhelming tenderness.

And our bodies never meet, you’re so careful to stay a few feet away, but the meeting of our minds is tangible enough for the brush of your fingers to seem irrelevant. And it’s so tragic and so romantic and then tragic again, isn’t it? You’re divorced and too young for that, I’m a virgin and too old for that, and we won’t say those words but we know it in the sidelong glances, in the shapes we draw around in our conversations.

In the scandalously intimate front seats of the car, in the dark and deserted corners on our evening walking, in the quiet of the galleries where we pick apart the art like it will tell us something about ourselves, I can’t bear to look at you for fear of what I’d do. And we’re two ships in the night, a long day together and then a long year apart, and maybe a year becomes forever, because despite our best efforts and egos we aren’t psychic, or perfect, but I think, I hope, we both want otherwise.

And I think about other things too, about your fingertips through my hair, about how we’d laugh, and it would be so strange, wouldn’t it? But if you were the last man on earth, I think we’d be grateful for the apocalypse to leave us to our own devices. And you’re nothing without an audience but I would laugh enough for a whole auditorium, just you and me and the end of the world. But these are foolish things, flights of fancy that die in the sunlight, in the statistics. So I stop thinking about them, about you. And I can go without thinking about you forever, but you’re always there anyway, in the map of my subconscious, in chess and in that christmas card, in showtunes and in shame and in shivers, in dialects and old sci-fi and always, always, in dreams. I hope I’m more than just an old face to you.

Is anyone else like frantically and painfully nostalgic for the fall of 2013, which was TEN YEARS AGO??? Unbelievable

I am so happy I don’t ever want this period of my life to end and I haven’t slept in 38 hours I’m afraid of losing even a second

My depression is slowly being replaced with anxiety, my nihilism with fear of losing it all, I experienced a brief moment of absolutely buckwild animal fear today when my philosophy professor mentioned the word evil, and I remembered that in fact I am evil and everyone else is too, I had to turn my brain off to concentrate again

Am I lonely or just bored? Are those the same thing? Can we all be bored together? Do I cause my own suffering?

Guys help I am making myself sad just to feel something I need to stop !! I am in a toxic relationship with my past self

Guys I am like 80% sure I am happy and no longer depressed but I don’t actually like it? Its. a hollow happiness bc all of my passions were formed when I was mentally ill and I have no sense of identity anymore now that I am recovered ish, I fear that this crisis will work me back up into a depressive fit if I don’t find some meaningful enrichment soon

When there is no more depression like a stone around my neck, rare and treasured happiness becomes commonplace, and the euphoria of joy now feels like nothing, nothing at all, and contentment is not a mountain peak overlooking a panoramic view, but a flat and featureless plain. With no depression hiding me in a little pit, away from the sun, there is no shade or shelter, Just the glare, an undefended and uncharted expanse with room for dread to creep in unhindered, for uncertainty to reign when all directions look the same, and when there is no more up, no more climbing out, how do you decide where to go?

Reading the articles of confederation for my con law class and wanted to let you know that paupers, vagabonds, and fugitives from justice are NOT entitled to privileges and immunities of free citizens! Thats such a funny list of exceptions to me,, I want to know the legal definition of a vagabond, we may as well add rascals, menaces, and scallywags to the list at this point. Also paupers? They said no <3 to poor people, what’s new I guess, anyway reblog if you are a pauper, vagabond, and/or fugitive of justice 🫡

Oh look its just me and my grief and my jealousy and my bitterness and my fruitless wishes to be better again <3

Guys I took a nap in the middle of the day and had a such a vivid dream about such Devastating and Heartbreaking Loss??? And it was understated but brutal and I was driving across the sky to get to someone who in the end wouldn’t come back with me and what did I do to deserve waking up with this rock in my belly? It’s 5:30 on a Thursday and I haven’t had a break up in years :/ silly self torturing brain <3

I wait every year for summer, and it is usually good, but it is never as good as that summer I am always waiting for.

Henri Lebasque, Village au bord de la riviere | Martha Gellhorn

Guys I went to the national gallery in Budapest (where they filmed Shadow and Bone) and this painting had such strong Wylan Van Eck energy I had to share

Listen guys I love the raven cycle I am such a fan I have spent many hours reading and contemplating this book and being in love with every character but I gotta say my favorite quote and the one that sticks out to me the most is. In the dream thieves between Maura and Mr. Gray of all people, when he pulls the 10 of swords and they say, “you’re going to have to be brave” “I’m always brave” “braver than that” I think about those words every gotdan day and they actually motivate me so much anyway all this is to say that today I am going on my first run since freshman year of high school! 6 years! I will report what Emotion I am feeling at the end ✨

Just letting you know that everyone who can read needs to read a Wizard of Earthsea bc it is actually a perfect story and I adore it, after a dry spell of so so long I have discovered a new fictional world that I love, and there is so much more lore for me to gobble up! I am thriving! Kicking my feet and giggling over Ged Sparrowhawk, who is actually my age unlike the characters in most fantasy novels available, so wholesome so pure so good and yet still morally grey and powerful and flawed! I love! So yeah Ursula K LeGuin is the boss the champ the queen etc etc

It is father’s day in this foreign country, and I miss my dead father, and I didn’t intend to bring him up at all, but my host mother of all things mentioned that anne hathaway is jewish because she was on the news, (I can’t understand well enough what they’re saying on tv so I couldn’t tell you why) and I said that I’m jewish, and that my grandfather came from Russia, and she asked if it was my mother or father’s father and I of course said my father’s and she said not your stepfather who lives with you right? It’s your father who doesn’t live with you anymore? Which in retrospect is a bit intrusive, and I was like yeah and she said, does he still live in America? and I just said, because I don’t know any euphemisms or nicer ways to say it in their language, he’s dead. And I feel glad to have spoken of him aloud today, to have remembered him, but I made things uncomfortable and awkward and I could have avoided it, and I feel a little shame, but I haven’t done anything shameful, so I am writing this out in my own language to process it. Thanks for listening void :/

I fled all of the way across the sea

But there is never an escape for me

I live in paradise, no grades, no stress

Yet here I am again, always regress

When all the monsters are inside your head

An angsty teen still anxious in her bed

But I am 20, not 13, and still

I’m still trapped and depressed, please God, when will

My mental anguish end, is there no hope

Or joy for me I can sustain? Just cope

And love the Lord and lose my mind

Searching in vain for that which I can’t find

Sick to my stomach, missing all I had

Though knowing this is better, I feel bad,

No, dreadful, selfish, worthless, stupid, fake

Embarrassed, paralyzed by each mistake

I couldn’t ask for more, it’s not enough

There’s no place on this earth that’s up to snuff

I am a traveler, stranger in this land

Not Italy, but earth itself, I stand

In fear of God, oh Jesus come, your hand

Be in my life, and may this life be grand

A stupid ending to a stupid poem

My old self-loathing just wants to go home

On today’s episode of listening to astral projection music after midnight and feeling like I’m literally going to claw out of my skin with intense emotion, I am literally home alone in a foreign country and have to be awake in 4 and a half hours and the song is Malibu 1992 by coin <3 someone please help me I am in the grip of demonic forces

Mood of The Night

listen. that feeling where you have a cold or something and suddenly your nose is all plugged up and you have to breathe through your mouth all night? and then it dawns on you that you took your nose for granted this whole time. yeah that feeling. cursed

Nose is stuffy I cannot know peace please Thank Jesus all you with clear sinuses, love, your unwilling mouth breather