Having Depression Makes Your Friends Seem Like The Coolest Most Put Together People On Earth Like Wow...

Epic AU

Odysseus: How many suitors are there? Servant: 128. Though, twenty of them formed a guard, after Antinous turned out to be a dick. Odysseus: *Thinking* Servant: Ten are away with the prince, the other ten are keeping guard over Penelope. Odysseus: Why? Servant: They're being bodyguards Odysseus: No, why did they come if they're not seeking the Queen's hand? Servant: Oh, they're trying to convince the Prince to marry their daughters. *Meanwhile* Guard #1: *Watching Telemachus with one of his friends* I'm starting to think the Prince might be swinging the other way. Guard #2: That's alright, I've got a son.

Jason: Go kill them. Problem solved.

Oliver: You can't just go around killing people Jason.

Jason: I know. That's why you should do it.

Oliver: No, no. I can't go around killing people, either. Bruce will be mad with me.

Bruce: *eyes twich*

Steph: You ever think about how Cass could be in this very room watching us at any moment and we would never know? Tim: Well I'm thinking about it now. Thanks. Damian: I would know. Cass: No you wouldn't.

Okay imagine this; Cassandra with the same exact upbringing but the family somehow doesn’t know. She learned to talk and did the whole Shiva thing before meeting Bruce, and she knows Shiva is her mom.

Batman (talking to an assassin who he had to track down because for some reason every big name is staying away from Gotham, not that he’s complaining, but he’s worried); why is everyone staying away from Gotham?

Assassin (small enough to be scared but big enough to have helped train Cass); I am NOT getting near that psychopath! I don’t know how she got away, there, or even learned to talk! No way am I taking that risk, fuck off Bats, I’m more scared of her than I am of you!

Now the fam is even more confused. Everyone is trying to figure this out, Cass is laughing in the corner. (Maybe with Dami)

A few days later, Talia storms into the cave and bitch slapped Bruce, she turned and hugged Cassandra.

Bruce (holding his cheek because that woman has a mean slap); what was that for?!?

Talia; not telling me my daughter is okay! I should do more than slap you! My poor daughter, I’ve been so worried, so has Nyssa. I should have murdered him and taken you as my own the second we met. Of course, father would be furious, but you are much better than him. I assume your mother knows, considering my beloved is still breathing.

Cass; yes, mother knows, approves of Bat. Says it good branching out, got away, yay!

Talia; I did not expect that. Anyways, if you have trouble with your grandfather, just call. You left fair and square, I shall protect you, not that you need it. Be good, my child.

Cass preened under the praise and watched one of her adoptive League mothers leave. Talia and Nyssa were always nice to her, wanting to help but not being able to, she loved them. She refused to answer questions.

Cass babysitting younger gen heroes and using her past to terrify them into compliance. Ma'ri doesn't want to eat her vegetables? You see this bullet wound on Cass's shoulder? She got that because she didn't eat enough vegetables. True story. Sin is mad at Dinah and doesn't want to listen to her advice? One time Cass didn't listen to Dinah and guess what happened. Two shots to the stomach. True story. Damian wants to try fighting Shiva? First time Cass tried that she ended up with a dislocated shoulder and broken arm, her life spared on a whim. And that one's actually a true story.

I like to think that Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen are best friends but Bruce doesn’t know Oliver is Green Arrow.

Like Oliver’s known ever since Batman was on the news because that’s his best friend that would totally do that. But Oliver never tells Bruce he knows just to mess with him.

All of the other bats know and help Oliver, they mention things that only bats would know around Oliver and B almost has a heart attack every single time.

Gotham has excepted Green Arrow is one of their vigilantes. Like, he’s Stars but they also accept him, Bruce gets very confused.

Because when Superman comes to Gotham tomatoes and kryptonite get thrown at him but when GA shows up they just wave like they do for the bats.

Bruce figures it out after adopting Duke and feels like an idiot. Everyone laughs at him.

Batsiblings convince Jason to get himself a cooking Tiktok account, and he gives in. To his surprise, he quickly gains millions of followers and a loyal auditory. The only problem? Jason has no idea that these people came here not necessary for recipes.

Jason: Geez, my followers had been pissing me off lately.

Dick, confused: Huh? Why?

Jason: They keep commenting ATE. Like, dude? Fucking where? I am not eating in my cooking videos. What is the fucking point?

Tim, choking: Oh my fucking God-

Jason, making an angry text post for his followers: YOU ALL. STOP COMMENTING "RAW". MY MEAT IS NOT RAW. I AM A PROPER COOK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Cassandra: Maybe it is time to tell him...

Tim, Steph, Duke, in unison: NO

Bruce, awkwardly trying to have a conversation with Jason: Hey, lad, how is your cooking blog is going?

Jason: Uh, people keep commenting cryptid messages. Like, the last time I was showing the right way to tenderise meat for chops because apparently it wasn't clear and someone requested the whole video? Anyway, I did it, and the whole comment section was writing me "in bed, on the floor, on the couch, on a chair, against the wall, against the window, against the door"... Like, why would I do that, not in the kitchen?

Bruce, no less clueless: Maybe it some kind of challenge. Kids love trying new stuff in extreme places nowadays.

Jason: Huh. Maybe. Thanks.

Bruce, just proud to have a proper conversation and somehow a help: Anytime, Jaylad!

Damian, who was unblissfully educated on the slang matter by Tim (because it was his responsibility as a big brother to traumatise him), with his eye twitching: ...None of these words were in Quran

Someone please write a fic abt how Kara knows Bruce’s identity cause she’s dating/married to Babs and Hal knows because Bruce told him in that one comic but now he regrets it.

Anyways, they are tired of Bruce and Clark’s pining so they play matchmaker while everyone else has no clue what’s going on.

Cass's civilian identity being paper thin is so important to me actually. Barely anyone on the street knows Bruce Wayne's daughter and any of the press who are interested can't uncover a single thing other than him adopting her when she was 19. It leads to a whole lot of speculation but no actual facts.

Meanwhile you have assassins who are the best of the best, the cream of the crop, and anyone who is someone in the evil assassin underworld knows all about David Cain and his daughter who turned rogue and became Batgirl.

Which means most of them see her with Bruce Wayne and are like ohoho a clever plan by Batman indeed! Putting Batgirl undercover as Bruce Wayne's daughter to guard and protect Wayne, who's a key part of all the recent projects to improve Gotham City. Masterful gambit Mr Batman sir, you also get a spy who reports on everything Wayne's doing whenever you need it.

This gives Cass the freedom to not even try to hide herself behind some sort of helpless civilian persona. Attempted kidnappings of Bruce Wayne and his kids have dropped by 90% since she got adopted, as the first one to try and take a fancy party hostage got the shit kicked out of him by Cassandra Wayne while her father watched proudly.

The next attempt brought a gun and she disarmed him then broke his hand. Finally they sent a whole squad of mercenaries to kidnap Bruce and Tim on the way to a W.E business meeting only to find Cass in the car with them. The kidnapping did not go as planned and the goons have several questions as to why the fuck Bruce Wayne's daughter is a metahuman who dodges bullets. They never get answers.

She's the only batkid who never has to fake her abilities. Damian is highly indignant about this but she just pokes his forehead and tells him it's a skill issue when he complains.

Y’all. You guys. I’m sobbing over this lyric from I can’t help but wonder

“Used to say I’d capture wind and sky for you”

Because like. HE LITERALLY DID! HE CAPTURED A STORM & HARNESSED THE WINDS THEMSELVES TO GET BACK HOME! I AM FUCKING ILL