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it truly is one of the saddest things in my life how true the phrase, “the nice guys always finish last” is. since i was 7 y/o i’ve had to give and extend my own self for my family and others to the point where there was nothing left of myself. it’s become so ingrained for me to plaster on a smile and work myself to the bone for others when i never get anything in return. now it feels so temporary for me to try and be self-sufficient in my emotional well-being. people pleasing is a curse. you try and you try and hope that things get better over time. “maybe this one person will actually care…”, “maybe this one job will treat me better…”, but they won’t. everything in this life is transactional. people will thank you for your labor at your workplace, be grateful for the friendship you give them, say that they love you for being a good partner to them. but all of that shit can disappear faster than when they said those things to you. you no longer are a person, you become the thing that is transactional. i’m never truly thanked, i don’t feel truly loved or valued. i feel disposable and replaceable for being a giver and giving my entire self for people. yet… i keep hoping that one day i can feel like i’m me.
I guess i really didnt mean that much to him afterall. He never responded and when he finally looked at the messages, it was three hours later even though he told me he was up right after the first message. I guess i just need to let go and not care. Time to camp in my room until i get rid of these feelings. God i hate myself for even trying to be with him. I hate myself for ever even giving him the satisfaction that many girls like him at once. Fuck him and fuck his ex. Now she can stop being so fucking crazy because guess what? Hes yours. You got what you wanted.
I'm so tired.