Nurodivergent - Blog Posts

equines & being neurodivergent

You have my sword my friend. (It's here somewhere I am sure.)

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happy autism acceptance month

Tell me when you get bored. A story about doses. [x]

I posted this on twitter and had a variety of aggressive ableism thrown my way.

This is a story about changing what I can in spite of what I cannot for the comfort of my loved ones. The thing that others find to be hurtful about me is that I like to spend time in silent solitude. People who love me often feel hurt that I tend to solve my own problems instead of leaning on them.

When we spend too much time together, people find my neutrality to be concerning, and it becomes too much for people to be unable to read me.

To show the people I love that I enjoy their company in ways they can understand, I pool my energy together to be high-energy, peppy, and social. Since this is not my natural state of being, it takes effort, which can only be expended in small doses. I amplify the things people like in me while filtering out everything they dislike about me when I am in their company.

I change my behaviors for those I love, but at the end of the day, I cannot change my neutral state of being, which is the thing that they want most out of me.

This is a story about me accommodating people in the best way I know how, not the other way around. I would truly appreciate it if people don't misconstrue this anecdote as me asking for dismissal of hurtful behavior when in reality, people find hurt in the fact that I simply exist, and I must change for them.

So the great thing about lowlight hallucinations is you shine a light on somthing it disappears....

And I have hallucinations of large spiders and sometimes bugs

All this to say i shined a likt on a spider AND IT DIDNT FUCKING DISAPPEAR!

Keep in mind i hallucinate large spiders like large large spiders like big and this Fucker Didn't DISAPPEAR!

And to top it all of you want a combination from hell add tactical hallucinations to all this...you know the one where you feel like there's bugs crawling on you

Auditory hallucinations are fun cuz you can have like a demon whispering directly into only your left ear sound like they came straight out of hell and the one word the deem important enough to tell you is just fucking B̴̙̿͗̄̽̈́̕͝ṛ̷̦͎̞̌̾̀̓̈́͝e̸̛̹͊̚a̵̛͇̱̤̟͉̱̞͆̌̾̿̚d̸̹͕̝͋̇̔̊͘

One thing that nice about low light hallucinations is something you shine a light in it it'll disappear or get smaller and if you do it repeatedly you get a little light show where the image keeps changing

Also it's really fun when it's not something your scared of like I'm terrified of spiders and that's what I usually see but right now there's a little jellyfish on my ceiling and that's adore

I fucking hate hallucinations because want do you mean I see a bug on my arm in my dreams and get woken up from a dead sleep cuz I can feel it one me in real life and I wake up and see it it's fucking there right on my arm where I can feel it but that's not a bug that exists in the real world it's a cross between a cricket and a cockroch the size of a tarantula it don't fucking exist and Yet The Bitch is On My Arm

I hate it here whatever wird bounce package this is I would like to unsubscribe whatever this is I didn't sign up for it

Got to love being in-between hyperfixations and trying to decide what Fandom to read fic on like do I want funny bullshit and read bnha creak or do I decide I don't care about my mental health and read marauders fics

I want to be admitted

"To an asylum?" I hear you ask

No a morge

Ok who the fuck was gonna tell me that feeling bugs crawing on or in your skin was a type of hallucination

Also dissociation, anxiety, and autism can all cause hallucinations

And tinnitus with depression is linked to auditory hallucinations

It's apparently normal ish for children to hallucinat

And hallucinating when falling asleep or walking up is normal to the point most people don't even realize it's happening!!!

And seeing things exclusively in shadows or low light is an extremely common way to hallucinat just not for nerotypicals!

WTF why did I learn all this from a Google deep dive at 4am and not my college psych class!

Got to love waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare only to end up hallucinating the thing you were having a nightmare about then ending up in a Google deep dive that results in you reading actual scientific papers on the subject when you realize hallucinations aren't normal and are trying to figure out if your gonna need to get dion with a new flavor of crazy....

Anyone

Anyone at all

Nope just me

Got to love waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare only to end up hallucinating the thing you were having a nightmare about then ending up in a Google deep dive that results in you reading actual scientific papers on the subject when you realize hallucinations aren't normal and are trying to figure out if your gonna need to get dion with a new flavor of crazy....

Anyone

Anyone at all

Nope just me

Invasive thoughts and the innate need to share them and ruin other people's mental health so your not suffering alone

Vs

~Anxiety~