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Homework?

Hello everybody!! Well here is my first test in making a small comic. This is the only page, it is a short scene showing a bit of the interaction between Eloy and Mitsuki. He cares about her at all times and if she goes to bed late he stays awake waiting for her, sometimes he stays to accompany her like now. Mitsuki on the other hand when she is busy or concentrated on something, there is nothing that can distract her. (Unless you're bothering her a lot, then she'll ask you to shut up or leave her alone)

I have not put text unfortunatelly. I'm thinking of digitizing it but I do not think I'll do it for now. I have other ideas in mind. Still I will give you an idea of what they are saying.

Eloy: Doing homework? Mitsuki: Mhm. Eloy: Okay

I know. Short. But is a first try. I hope you like it. <3

One Day At A Time

I’ve always hated myself. For as long as I can remember. My memories go back to 4 years old and at that age, I remember hating myself. I thought other people did too. I always thought that the people who said “I love you” were saying it, just to say it or saying it out of habit, it never felt real to me. I felt as if no one cared or wanted to care about me. No one wants me. No one loves me. I hate myself. I’m ugly. I’m fat. My scars are gross. I’m too tall. I’m not skinny. I’m weird. I’m below average in everything. I’m dumb. These are all things I’ve said or thought about myself and this is just a short list. I never felt as though I belonged anywhere or with anyone. 

I want to change that.

I’ve always wanted to change myself but it never worked.

I always wanted to be that person with good friends and family that made me feel safe and loved. I always wanted to feel “beautiful”. I always wanted someone to love me.

I always wanted to love myself.

I guess that’s what I really want, to love myself. I just don’t know how to do it. I’ve tried and I’ve always failed. How do you love yourself? Maybe it is a skill you learn as you grow up. Maybe it’s just something people just want to forget is living in their brain.

I want to love myself now. And everyday from now on I will try. And I guess I will keep starting over and over again for as long as it takes because I am worth it.

I am worthy.

I am worthy of love and affection. I am everything everyone has said about me and more. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of positivity. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am wanted. I am needed. 

I will love myself one day at a time.

I'm Not Fine

How many times a day does someone ask you “how are you” or ”how are you doing” in a day?

And how many times do you say “I’m fine. Thanks. How are you?”

People don’t want a real answer when they ask you. It’s just a greeting, no one wants to know. And how many people would actually care if you gave them a real answer?

I’m not fine. I just say I’m fine because I don’t really want to say “I’m not gonna kill myself but I’m not okay.” So I just put on a fake smile, nod my head, and say what the socially acceptable script says to say.

I can’t think of a time when I was genuinely fine or okay. I just...exist.

Then one day, I just felt like I was drowning.

This all came from me realizing I’m a person I don’t like. That I never liked. I always said I would change. Said I wanted to change. I can’t even count how many times I said “today is the day”, the day has never come. I always never truly me. I was always what people wanted me to be. Always the girl who played it safe, never got out of my comfort zone. I never spoke up.

I fantasized about what it would be like to be anyone but me. Maybe because I never met me. Whenever I have let me shine through just a bit, it seems people don’t like her. Make jokes about her. Even my family. It's just a continuous hell loop in my head.

I think people just want others to be like the “average” person. People say it’s okay to be different, they tell you that everyone is free to do what they want, but the second someone turns their back, that’s a different story. “She clearly gained weight”, “her skirt is too short, the bitch is asking for something to happen”, “what was she thinking about when she got her hair done”, “eww, does she even know how to do her eyebrows?”

Why is it like this?

Why is it when someone finally shows that they do something completely normal, people are shocked just because it was done in public. They act like they don’t do the same things behind closed doors.

I’m just tired of not being the me I always wanted to be. I’m going to try now. I’m going to seriously try to be me and not what people want me to be or expect me to be.

She is now my past. I made the decision that she is dead. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss her in one way or another but I now know I don’t feel like I’m being drowned or can’t breathe.

I’m scared but relieved.

I finally feel as free.