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Reflection - Blog Posts
Me when my vanity keeps me from being a moral ideal but i endorse it
i reflected on myself a lot today
ive come to the realization that i am a walking contradiction
if i just thought before i spoke i would save myself so much stress
"just think before you speak," i tell myself
how can i think before speaking if i have nothing in my brain to think with
i have never had a thought before in my life
everyday is empty thoughts and meaningless talk
i am not here
i havent been for a while
Kind reminder that a degree will not get up one day and leave you, cheat on you, cut your funds, disrespect you or assault you. A degree will be worth a thousand sleepless nights and rivers of tears, because in the end it does matter more than anything else. A degree will make you an independent and undefeated woman, so stop belittling the importance of education nowadays. Every woman who studies is a woman who is ensuring a greater future for all women.
Unpopular opinion, but the moment I stopped listening to videos from self improvement channels like TheWizardLiz or Simonesquared is the moment I started improving.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, as I find some of their advices truly helpful, but consuming their media equals to trying to search to further “how to do x, y, z”, when in reality you are once again stopping yourself from doing better (or something at all).
I am a leaver. I am a blocker. I will not stick around after disrespect. I will cut you off and you will be informed about that. I will remove myself the moment I see that a friendship or relationship makes me suffer. I will exit the situation at the first given opportunity. And I always do.
Babe, you don’t have to start at 5 AM after Pilates, at 8.30 after a matcha, or at 10.30 after the gym.
You can start at 7.16 at home, at 15,34 after a long nap, at 19.46 after an afternoon of doom scrolling, at 9.21 before a boring lecture in an ugly building and so on. The only thing that matters is that you start.
The “manifestation” agenda summarised in a few, simple words:
Book: Atomic Habits by James Clear.
If I may say, there is a exceptionally thin line between being unbothered and focused on yourself and being so out of touch with reality to a point even a legitimate critic that is not aligned with the persona you manufactured is seen as out of pocket.
In circumstances similar to the latter, please consider waking the fuck up.
Rejection is redirection, not rout.
This morning, my therapist shared this really useful hack and I feel like it could be useful to share: it is the pie chart method.
Essentially, it is a great tool to identify the behaviours, situations and events that caused a certain effect, in order for you to truly understand what really happened.
You simply draw a circle, identify the circumstances that caused the outcome and give each situation a percentage of its influence on the outcome.
For example: you bake a cake but it turns out horribly. It could be that 45% of the fault could be given to the oven that has malfunctioned, 30% to the wrongly calculated measurements of the ingredients, and 25% of your inexperience baking a cake. In the end, you will realise that it may not be your fault, and therefore you should stop being so angry at yourself.
Disclaimer: sometimes the fault could be given to you. This is a useful method for those of you who may constantly be harsh to yourselves.
Chase yourself, and the rest will fall apart as it is meant to be.
Taller than me, richer than me, CHALANT, funny, manly, great sense of style, intelligent, pretty, smells good, kisses the floor I walk on, profound personality.
Some of you think way too much. You should be worried about who you are becoming rather than who you were. Nobody cares and nobody remembers, but you.
Academic advices from a (non american) law student.
Premise: I feel the urge to underline the fact that I am not American nor attend any university in America due to the fact that most tips and tricks I found, coming from Americans, were scarce in terms of concrete application. If you found them to be useful, then I am more than glad. All I wish to do is to share different experiences and approaches to the university world that are maybe differing from the usual content.
I. “Time restricted” spaced repetition: the great majority of the subject in my curriculum are quite complex and portray a large number of complex topics, Latin terms, and regulations that are specific. What I suggest here is to write down in a fun colour (to me it is red) the words, terms, names and phrases that are difficult for you to remember. We are not born all knowing, and some terms can be, at first glance, peculiar or unusual. That is completely normal. Therefore, write down anything that you may struggle to remember and every day, you do your best to recall those specific terms, and over the span of even two days you will most likely incorporate even the most difficult words.
II. Repeat out loud: in my university, we do not have written exams. Therefore, practicing your speech for the exam is fundamental for us. However, even if your exams are not oral, explaining out loud subjects helps you remember them better (even if you give a look to your notes from time to time). Do this from day one of preparation. My favourite way of doing so is to repeat everything when outside, while on a walk or at a cafe.
III. Mental connections: chances are, some topics will be repeated in different ways in the same subject. For instance, the concept of inter-subjective laws was discussed three times in this one course, and each time a different aspect was discussed. What I am suggesting is that, when a particular topic or word comes up often, you force yourself to do two things: first, you do a repetition exercise in which you repeat where and when was that topic already mentioned, and second, you differentiate between the two. Why are they different, how are they different and in what ways they are similar.
IV. During the lectures: our professors do not record lectures, nor do they use any platform to “stream” them. If it is possible for you, attend the lectures! Take careful notes and correct them right away, after the lectures has finished! Ask those questions, no matter how “silly” they may be! The professor is right there for you, so you might as well use the opportunity to enrich your knowledge.
V. The notes: print them. Not only will your eyes thank you, but I find studying from paper more effective and it is easier to focus. Call me a grandma, but that is the truth. And if correcting some parts is the reason you prefer digital, try to simply cover the parts tg at you wish to rewrite eight plain paper and write the correction on it. This way the topic will be easier to be remembered.
VI. Audiobook: this may sound unusual, but listening to your notes can be quite beneficial. Due to me being a student, I have free access to the Microsoft package: world has this “read aloud” feature, and I play the audio during the night. The subconscious mind is much more powerful than what you may think of it.
VII. Grades: obviously we all aim for the greatest grades, but often the way we are graded may be out of your control. Sometimes you may get sick right before the exam, sometimes the examiner may be irritated and got up already upset with the world, sometimes we could have given better performances. It happens, and it will inevitably make you feel awful and out of place: please, remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. It will be better the next time, but in that moment remember that you are never alone. If you do not wish to talk it out with someone, ask ChatGPT. It really gives comfort and great advices in moments of frustration and disappointment. Do not ruin your life for a temporary moment.
Louise Hay: How to love yourself.
Curate everything.
Curate your hygiene routine, curate your clothing items, curate your home, curate your habits, curate your nutrition, curate your environment, curate your circles, curate you socials, curate the content you consume, curate your social skills, curate your financial situation, curate your emotions, curate the version of you that shows up in public, curate your hobbies, curate your knowledge.
Stop sharing your goals, vision boards, new year resolutions with the public. Share the results and the accomplishments only.
My dear,
What they said is exactly what you heard. What they did is exactly what you saw. Do not look for further confirmation of their actions - or lack of action.
God and the Universe will reveal us the truth, and it is often difficult to digest. But that is the simple reality of the matter. Swift away, cut them off and do not allow any further access to you and your precious time.
Pain is temporary, but self preservation and recovery are forever.
“But investing is hard! But I do not want to break up, because then I’ll be alone! But learning is for few selected people! But I do not have time! But people will stare! But that sounds hard!”
But struggling is alright? K.
If there is only one tip you should incorporate into your daily life, that is simply taking action.
If you wish to attract a more sophisticated and curated life, you have to take the steps necessary to get there. Simply thinking of such life will not bring you there and I am so tired of this agenda.
You have to put the effort and energy into the life you want and deserve, and you should not settle for less. Build those habits that will benefit you in the long term, learn what can concretely transform your life and apply all those qualities to your current self.
In no way, shape or form does God or the Universe wish you to struggle. God and the Universe, however, respond with the same energy you put into your life. Make that energy higher in quality and watch how great your life will become.
Do not fool yourself into believing that cutting ties with people who do not meet your criteria of living is a selfish performance.
To create an environment in which you can thrive is to curate the environment you are living in.
The people you surround yourself with are most likely to shape your future, and that is a fact: colliding mindsets and opinions are normal, but staying because you fear to lose somebody is not.
Choose the people who surround you wisely, and never feel ashamed to do so. Your peace is your priority.
Get aggressive with your goals, lazy people stay behind.
Rule #51
I did something today that I had been wanting to do for years now.
I made an apology.
I had been wanting to make this apology for so long now. I kept hoping that I would someday run into her at a super market or a bar or something and I could make my apology to her.
Back in the early ‘90s, we were in a relationship. Not a long time, maybe 6 months at most. And the entire time, I just treated her horribly. Not physically, but mentally & emotionally, I was just the absolute shits to her.
And I know why I did. I had been really mistreated in the past two relationships before this one, and I took it out on her. I took all my anger, my frustration, my sorrow out of me and I fed it to her. It’s not an excuse, because there is no excuse really. It’s just the sad fact.
I didn’t realize what I was doing then. It was quite a while after it was over that I saw what I had done. And I felt ashamed for having done it. And I felt sorry for her for having to experience it. And I hated myself for doing it. For treating her the way I had been treated. Why would I do that? (Looking back now, I realize that this is probably where the true self-loathing that would come to define most of the past 20+ years of my life probably began. The first step on a long road.)
Ever since I became aware of what I had done, I had been wanting to see her again so I could apologize. Not for my own sake. But because she genuinely deserved it.
Today it hit me that it would probably be really easy for me to find her on Facebook. We probably had mutual friends that would make it easy to identify her in a search. And I was right. I did a search for her and, due to mutual friends, it took me all of 10 seconds to find her.
I clicked the message button and wrote my apology. It wasn’t long before i got a reply thanking me for the apology and wishing me well. I don’t know if she really means it; you can’t tell on the internet. But if she’s still the person I knew then, then she probably does.
The Recent Realization That Completely Took Me By Surprise
“I’ve made the decision. I’m giving up on dating.”
I made this proclamation to a friend sometime in the very early 2000s. I was tired of everything that went with dating, or trying to get dates, and had gotten to a point where I, quite frankly, just didn’t give a damn anymore. I was happier being alone, relationship wise.
My friend scoffed at me, and as I told others, they did too. But for the past (approximately) 14 years, that’s been the story. There really was no one I actively wanted to date.
So it came as quite a shock to me when one night a couple of months ago, as I was out at a bar with a group of friends, it became clear to me that I really wanted to ask one of them out on a date.
[This, BTW, is not the realization this blog post is about.]
I did not react well to this. Remember a few months ago when I was making Vaugebook posts about frustration and falling into old mental traps? Well, now you know why. I had so many questions I couldn’t answer. Where did this come from? Why was this suddenly happening? I was happy not being in the dating scene, why would I suddenly want to screw that up? Why her? I didn’t really consider how she would feel. I was 99% sure she wasn’t interested. In fact, I think I would’ve been more worried if I asked her out and she actually said yes!
A week later, I travelled to New York City to visit a couple of friends of mine. While there, I discussed my recent revealation. They had become engaged a couple of weeks before, so I took their view of my situation with a huge grain of salt.
But as I spent the day with them, and watched them together, I became aware that I wanted exactly what they had.
That connection. That emotional bonding. That love.
[This, also, is not the realization this blog post is about. Stay with me here.]
I got on the train home and began thinking about everything and every emotion, past and present; what had led me to where I had been and to where I was now. And somewhere between Harlem and Greenwich, I discovered the truth.
The truth was that, during all those years, I had wanted to date.
I had wanted that connection. That bonding. That love.
The problem was, during that time and up until recently, I didn’t love myself. Truth be told, I down right loathed myself for most of that time. And because of that, I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by anyone.
So when I would meet a woman who I thought was special, I would think to myself, “Too bad I don’t want to date anyone”, and put it out of my mind.
This is the revelation this blog post is about. The revelation that, “I don’t want to date anyone”, was really my brain’s way of saying, “You don’t deserve anyone’s love.”
And once I realized that, everything going on fell into place.
I love myself now. I’m ready to date. I’m ready to love someone else now.
But, most of all, I’m ready to accept that someone can love me the same way.
Maybe all that we want is already taken— no matter how much we cry, yearn, lament, we never seem to get what we seek.
They wanted me to become a man who fights for his respect. But I became a man who respects himself. And that’s how I became awkward— and I loved
that
kind of awkwardness.