Self Reflection - Blog Posts

I wanted to publish this poem of mine 😅that just came to me after thinking🤔 of all the things I have through at school this year💯.

So please be honest😁 about the poem and pls give me pointers👀 that can help me improve on future poems in the future 😁.

REGRETS ✨

Over my shoulder the shadow looms like humid air.

Much to my dismay the time I have can't spare-

A moment of truth, for a greedy gasp of air

I only hope for a better day for us my dear.

We wish to be free amongst the others,

To be normalized into the casual ordinary

Living as the best of the worst was momentary.

We have survived but not thrived.

Bright gleams kills the burdens,

Lifting off the weight of notes and appearances,

Our moment has arrived to be recognized.

Yes. I hope to be next to you

Yet the world has bigger things that are due-

I write to say goodbye to the past life,

I had in those corridors and lockers,

And wave "hi" to the start of a new beginnings.

Lost followers after reblogging that whole thing about JKR being radicalized over the years, and that disturbs me.

Like if you think saying that people can be radicalized and manipulated into hate is somehow justifying it, yikes. And if you think that people are somehow just good or evil and that you are not at risk of buying into propaganda, have I got some very red flag news about that!

Idk if its because I am an older Millennial maybe (most who unfollowed were younger) but I watched a ton of that generation slide from one of the most progressive to the far right before my every eyes. Hell, my dad fought alongside his black friends in the Detroit race riots and now he watches Fox News 24/7 and talks about the border wall. Yet still claims he could never be racist because of how he used to be. He doesn’t even realize what he has become.

JKR isn’t a deluded old woman or innately evil, but in fact THE prime example of how well-meaning ignorance and privilege can be weaponized and encouraged down a pipeline, until it turns into a force of hate, and should be a cautionary tale about why educating and being open about these issues are necessary. Because there are those out there who will use those divisions and ignorance to their own ends. And just digging in our heels and saying “that could never be me!” is the very thing that puts you more at risk. I’ve lost so many loved ones down that pipeline and it is more slippery than most realize.

Stay alert, stay compassionate, stay humble, and make sure you move through life guided by reason rather than reaction. I love y’all and don’t want to see your passion twisted to get used against the world.

TRUTH UNTOLD - by Joud Aburashed

I have so much to say But the world might decay Fear hurts not as much as regret  So I sharpen my sword ready to strike For my words are a weapon filled with might I look into the eyes of those souls Who were taught to keep their words behold Reassurance floods as for me I'm bold This is a new chance For righteousness to breed and enhance  Something weighs on my shoulder  It burns like ice yet even colder  So I release Finally feeling relief  This wasn't a war  This was for peace  For what is most valuable to me My morals that run glee So speak up for what you believe  You might feel relief 

(Idealism is a disease) by joud abu rashed

Idealism is a disease

Once it enters your system it feeds off of your mistakes

It spreads like a wildfire making you quake

Symptom after symptom you start to hallucinate

A thought becomes a reality

There’s no real definition of actuality

All you can do is live in brutality

And endure that cruelty

There’s no one to blame but that little voice in your head

Making you wish on sweet death

Whispering to you as if it was your own closest friend

The doctors say there’s a cure

One that’s pure

But there’s a price

First you have to apologize

To the body you forced to idealize 

A vulnerable state of you past mistakes

Drowning you in a lake

The water reflects an image of grief and regret  

As it overwhelms you slowly you start to forget

A cold breeze of acceptance washes all over you

A warm feeling is new

A smile takes over you

Now you are cured.

this poem speaks about my struggles with anxiety and perfectionism. I hope you find a sense of comfort in it 

You pluck out old bones from your body like errant thought; dropping them carelessly to the ground.

They crunch and crack under thick black boots; crumbling to dust.

And you sigh as if this change and growth in yourself is tedious and detached as the pruning if a bush.

Cutting away stray branches with the sickening crack of bone.

Brushing them away with the sweep of your hand as if these pieces never came from you; they aren't of use.

And I wish at once to be as numb and strong as you.

ALTER EGO

Another game! I honestly thought Es was a man, but then I went to look fanarts and I realized she was a woman. Anyway, the drawing is mine, I do it as I wish.

I’m also playing other game besides this, and why are they always black-and-white with minor colorful details? Is it easier to paint?

Better Left A Fantasy

I came across a post on Tumblr the other day that brought me back to this thought. The post was from a man’s blog, he was talking about how he was never going to fuck his wife again because he was loyal to a woman here on Tumblr. The concept was very hot. The idea of submitting to a younger more dominant woman, and sacrificing physical intimacy with his wife; quite an extreme within the world of femdom. At least in my opinion. Extreme, because realistically, morally, I find the idea absolutely terrible. To abandon a spouse for another person, to ignore their physical and emotional needs to fulfill your own lustful fantasies and fetishes. Absolutely disgraceful.

Yet, within the realm of fantasy, that level of taboo. That level of it being so wrong. Makes it hotter.

A few years ago my wife and I explored the concept of open marriages. Multiple partners. Cuckolding type scenarios. The fantasy was always hot, and to an extent the reality was too. But I found that it was too much of an emotional strain. I found that my beliefs about marriage and loyalty and monogamy outweighed my fetish about sharing my wife. It was, better left as a fantasy. One that we still role play with toys often enough! Lol.

Everyone has different moral codes. Different levels of what is ok or what is too far. What is better left as a fantasy for me, might be absolutely fine with another person. Just makes me think about how varied people’s limits are within this kinky and complicated world we all share. Exploring is healthy, finding what is right for you and your partner is healthy, just keep in mind that some things might be better in your mind than in reality.

21 Reasons Women Cheat and What It Means for Your Relationship

The Truth Behind Why Women Cheat: 21 Shocking Reasons

This is a self reflection of general things that we do everything, everyday with or without considerations, regard or regardless on beneficial and harms to ourselves… 

The fundamental interconnectedness of all things… no one are innocent. I think, is just my opinion.

This is design to confuse yourself into thinking about the things that we are doing.

What do u think?

Futur

Setelah berminggu-minggu dengan kesibukkan, setelah datangnya banyak masalah, nyatanya baru sadar, “futur bgt ya aku”

Sudah kurang lebih 1 bulan lalu menonton video kajian dan tiba-tiba muhasabah, “sesibuk itukah sampe gabisa ngeluangin waktu untuk setidaknya 1 jam?” sepertinya tidak. Diingat-ingat, beberapa waktu kebelakang aku masih sempat scroll ig, masih sempat nonton film, bahkan masih sempat juga update status

Disaat diri mulai menjauh, mungkin itu caraNya untuk membuat hambaNya kembali. Karena memang dengan begitulah manusia baru sadar betapa lemah dan butuhnya ia pada Zat yang Maha Berkuasa

Ya Allah, kukuhkanlah langkah, hati, dan pikiran ini agar tetap dijalanMu dan berikanlah keberkahan atas apa-apa yang dijalani. Aamiin

60 days Sober 🥀

2/15/24

vibing alone to fix yourself is self-care.

We are more than what we appear

layers of voices beyond a moonlit mirror

silver threads wrapping around your ears

a darkness light cannot make clearer

& Space

Some might see me as a key

Some might feel me deeply 

Some might see me as the door

Some might meet my core

Some might perceive my essence

Some might hear my soul

_______________________________

Follow up / Twin poem to:

Tumblr

Post by @yudzukii

💬 0  🔁 1  ❤️ 1 · Keys · Some might keep the keys I gave Some might feel their essence Some might remember what I said Some might feel the

Starry Night

"I don't know anything with certainty but that the sight of the stars makes me dream." Although Vincent van Gogh is now known and loved by countless people, he didn't have an ounce of fame while he was alive. Starry Night is one of the most famous paintings ever, but at the time, van Gogh called it a failure. In the same way, you have no concept of just how loved you truly are. You're good at looking out for others, and you have a vibe that draws people to you. You are a wonderful addition to this little world, and you don't even see it. But I hope you do someday. Some of your traits are: creative, insecure, and romantic.

what's up, i have a new uquiz called "which van gogh painting are you?" i had a major van gogh hyperfixation for a few weeks. i worked rlly hard on it so pls take it pls

I made the decision to finally delete Facebook. Now I just feel guilty for deleting it. Is this part of addiction?

My focus/theme for the year of 2025:

Less is More.

My desire is to focus on being grateful for what I have and trying to break my terrible habit of wanting more. No more window shopping online, no more visiting store sites for "fun", no more tossing something because it has a scratch on it. Unless it is unusable, it will be cherished and used until it can no longer serve its purpose.

This goes for most consumables and long-term purchases. I want to be more purposeful with my purchases - I want to buy things that are good quality and meant to last. I don't want to be persuaded to buy something because it is an "upgrade" to what I already own.

I also want to fix the items I have and learn to repair them instead of simply tossing them without attempting to find out why it isn't working first.

I want to learn to be grateful for the things I have. I want to be more aware of my spending habits and what I already own. I want to be less of a consumer, honestly. In a reasonable matter.

It's been a rough two weeks. Today has been the first time I've felt any kind of peace and my mania has settled. I forget that handwriting things is such a treat for me. Though I dislike my hand writing, working slowly and jotting things down in a "pretty" way really gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment. Today I started writing recipes from websites I like down in a notebook. It'll work for now. I even got help.

I know I was going to separate all my FFXIV stuff to a side blog, but my husband and best friend are right (as usual) and know me. I go through phases of wanting to organize everything and then giving up and combining it all again because it becomes a hassle. I think I need to step back from social media for a while soon. I believe it's getting to me.

I think getting more hands on is definitely my goal for the next month. To do more instead of just peering at it from across the table.

What it means to be a passerby in life.

I suppose, is a vague attempt at figuring out what I want to be in another person's life, I guess. The passerby here leaves an impression on the psyche of every person he interacts with, or at least he tries to in his own way. He doesn't want to be an integral part of a person's life but a vague, misty memory. Whenever the person thinks of the period of time when the passerby existed in the same light cone, he remembers the vague passerby and wonders how weird that particular passerby was with his weird principles and philosophies, the god complex, the quirks, the manipulations. I don't really know if that's what I actually want to be or if it is my own mind's creation to fill the void of not being around people among whom I would want to be the main character. Is it possible to find a main character like that, or am I exaggerating all of it? Either way, I find some kind of joy in being the passerby, maybe possibly more joy than being the main character.

how im preparing for 2025⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🍬💕

MY MANIFESTING LIST ;

every year i always make a list of the things that i wanna manifest in 2025, i dont always complete it in the first sitting bcuz i add onto it as the year progresses but i like to have a basic framework of everything that im manifesting in that year.

also along with my manifest list for 2025, i also create a 2025 vision board because it motivates me and reminds me of all the amazing things that im going to experience in 2025.

REFLECTING ON THIS YEAR ;

so in my notion i have a section called the 'monthly digest' where every single month i break down the 4 weeks of the month and everything that i did in them in relation to my goals. after every month i write a little summary.

so with that being said i have a LOT to go back to and reflect on so that i can see what i accomplished this year and what i can do better in the next year. this reflection system that i have is so helpful so i'll set one up for 2025 so that i can also have that at my disposal.

BREAKING UP THE NEXT YEAR ;

i break up my year into 4 quarters (each lasting 3 months) that way i can see my year broken up and i have a clear plan and i can be organized. quarter one (january - march) quarter two (april - june) so on and so forth. and after every quarter i do a little analysis.

something else that i wanna try for next year is giving myself quarterly themes. like for each quarter of the year i'll focus on a different aspect of myself, i think that could be fun…💬🎀

PREPARATIONS ;

im wrapping up some things like my projects, assignments and things of that nature so that i can go into the next year on a clean slate. furthermore im making plans for new years eve, and january and making sure that i've already set some things in motion.

all in all, with everything in motion and everything set in place im going into the new year INCREDIBLY confident 💕📔

After a lifetime of not being heard, how could it do any less?

Sea Me

-kalika

feeling like

Dear reader,

The reason I started this blog is because I wanted to document my journey throughout medschool.The past two years in medical school have been a little difficult both in my academic and social life.

This is the truth that no one tells you about medical school.

It is not all about the aesthetic, it is not all about the title you get after graduation and it is not definietly about neglecting yourself for your education. It is a very slow, tortuous and laborious path that will examine every ounce of stregnth you have. It will push you to the breaking point and pull you back. It is a very long path that will test your mental and physical strength. I have 4 years left, as the total is seven years of study. This drains your hope of reaching your goals. As the years get longer, the obstacles you face also multiply. From peer pressure to pressure from the senior doctors, you will start questioning your decesion making skills. You will feel as if eveything you say is wrong and that you know nothing. You will feel as if you are wasting your years without amounting to nothing.

During my first two years of study, I have made decesions that have led to the deterioration of my mental and physical health. Although I haven't been clinically diagnosed, there are certain symptoms and signs that don't need a medical degree to notice. These unfavourable conditions have had negative effects on my physical health as well resulting in me over eating to cope with the stress that was prevealent in my life. The weight gain that resulted from that has led to a disorted body image where I couldn't see my self as attractive or desirable although that was far from the truth. My self confidence plummeted because I compared myself to other people, I couldn't form healthy boundaries because I felt that I would be abandoned by people if I had restrictions, I became insecure in my apperance and my clothing style which made me waste a lot of money on clothing and accessories because I wanted to fit in and I would have manic and depressive episodes which affected my sleeping pattern, apetite and memory.

I would think all this was hard on me because I was weak and undeserving of the opportunity I had. This gradually led to the development of imposter syndrome where I felt as if I wasn't enough, as if I didn't have the abilities required to be a medical student. I felt inferior to the other student with their studying and good grades. In order to escape this, I would go out to hang out with people who had questionable characters and never had second thoughts about manipulating me to get what they want. My first and half of second year of medical school went like this.

A new change started in my life when we had a minor course on the half of second year, which didn't require attendance. I stayed in my dormitory for the whole two months not even going to go out for meals. I entered a period of self reflection where I thought about the past choices I made and their effects on my present life. After an agonizing and meditative period, I did a lot of shadowwork on myself and defined my problems and their solutions. By the time the course was over, I was already adapted to my new mindset. This solved my social and personal problems and only the academical problems remained.

I didn't know how to study. That was the truth. I was a gifted overachiever in my highschool years. I didn't need to have long and intensive study sessions to understand the materials. Hence, I had no clue on how to do structured studying sessions. I reserached studying methods and tried them out sacrificing my grades in the process. I am still experimenting but I am confident that I am doing better than before.

I also decided to be open to the relationship aspect. Before, I didn't feel as if men were to be trusted and only had physical attachments that didn't pass the kissing stage. Currently, I have a boyfriend that is caring, academically gifted and amazing. Although he will be leaving after 6 months as he is in his internship year of medical school, I consider this a good experience in the dating department and I hope our relationship continues outside medical school.

I have also refined my social circle. I am only friends with people that have a healthy perception of what friendship is. I enjoy their company and do not feel like an outsider or feel awkward with them.

My advice is to remember who you are, to be yourself and to know your principles and routines. These have helped me on my journey to a better medical school life.

Join me on my journey through medical school. 😊

Unsavory Waver's

When I saved you when I fell

When life brought me back

Who am I?

Where am i

Where are we to go

If no one wants me to go

How far is the end

Is it near then it looks

How will I know to overcome my wishful thinking

Through what paths do I take now…

The places to go vary in my mind

Uncertainty that lies ahead of time to where am i…

So where is it do we all lie greathy unflunece n to dry out

What can do when I am in a world full of fools

They too uncertain with rising aeons ahead

For decades and centuries to rise and glories to come

From an arm length to another zeroing into feels of something

But atlast we all will lay together at once in one bonded by the wines of time

Had i know whats best i would have without a doubt held it close

Thats currently not there as i melt away into my own unsavory Dilemma

~kiwi's

I take a photo with the old camera out of my mum’s drawer

A quick shot of life

One short silent depiction of how I view the world

I like the old films

Colours not too bright

I’m not good at photography either

Smudged pictures on 15mm

Too orange, too yellow, too bright

I like looking at people, like capturing how life is for them

I don’t like being near them

I like myself on black and white film

I take a photo with the old camera out of my mum’s drawer

A quick shot of life

One short silent depiction of how I view the world

I like the old films

Colours not too bright

I’m not good at photography either

Smudged pictures on 15mm

Too orange, too yellow, too bright

I like looking at people, like capturing how life is for them

I don’t like being near them

I like myself on black and white film

i reflected on myself a lot today

ive come to the realization that i am a walking contradiction

if i just thought before i spoke i would save myself so much stress

"just think before you speak," i tell myself

how can i think before speaking if i have nothing in my brain to think with

i have never had a thought before in my life

everyday is empty thoughts and meaningless talk

i am not here

i havent been for a while