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Toxic Love - Blog Posts
Um so...
I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...
On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.
I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.
I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.
But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.
I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.
I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.
I know all that.
And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.
A believer asks their God for love
I want to be consumed. To not be myself anymore and become part of something else. That’s what true love is. I want you to give me new life. Set fire to my soul. I’ve spent my whole life hurting, aching but I know love will fix me. Your love will fix me. Kiss me with those golden lips and pour your sunshine into me. It will fix me. It has to. Everything I touch, I leave with scars. Look what I've done to my body, look at my body and tell me you still love me. Touch the scar on my right knee, caress the mark on my forehead, kiss the old wounds on my achilles heel. Take them from me, I give them willingly. What is my body supposed to do without you, how should I move it without your instruction?
My whole life I have been waiting for you. I am a believer prostrating before the altar of my god, you. Wash away my sins, make me anew. Let me be reborn in your light. Make me into something lovable, make into something worth holding. Unmake me from what I am. You are purity and divinity, all things I am not. When God made us, we were made in your image, but not me. Not me. I am a wretched thing, I am not your creation but I could be. I could be beautiful, I know you could make it so.
I once heard someone ask “Do you love God or are you in love with God?” and yes is my answer. Is there a difference? Not to me.
I love you like something that can’t be loved back. I know that, I know that.
A rabbit begs a fox to not be be eaten
Little rabbit, with soft white fur like fresh fallen snow, Where are you running to?
Big fox, I’m off to the bakers, to the beavers, to the beach by brewery lane, And you aren’t welcome.
Little rabbit, I am as kind as a cool summer wind soothing a fever, Why am I not welcome?
Big fox, with your big jowls and teeth, you will eat me whole Slurp up all my bones.
Little rabbit, never in my life for I love you so You quick footed spirit I cannot catch.
Big fox truly? Truly with your corn eyes, your bone teeth, your sunset fur Do you truly love this little rabbit?
I always have and I always will Little Rabbit. You have a big heart Fox. Bigger than you and I. ......................................................................
Big fox, where did you run off to? I couldn’t find you in the stream, in the strawberry bush, in the shadows of the sycamore tree.
Little rabbit, I was not far, not far at all. I went to see if the hedgehogs had any bread to spare during this harsh winter.
Big fox, thank you for trying, thank you loving me, Though my fur is falling out, I’m all skin and bones, and I don’t have much energy for anything these days.
Little rabbit, but of course and thank you for still loving me, Despite my yellow teeth, and patchy fur, and growling stomach
Big fox, I will always love you, You promised not to eat me and even though we have little you have yet to break your promise.
Little rabbit, I never will. Big fox, now come lets see if we can find any berries.
......................................................................
Little rabbit, I am sorry for what I must do, But my stomach can’t survive on love alone and this winter has been so cold.
Big fox, you promised to love me forever, You swore it under the eucalyptus tree, under the Everdeen bridge, under the everglowing moon.
Little rabbit, can’t you see? My stomach aches so badly, my body feels so weak, my tongue has not tasted meat in so many months now.
Big fox, eat someone else! You can’t eat me, I'm terribly thin like you and I wouldn’t taste great.
Little rabbit, you will do, you will do. Curse me not for what I do, curse my nature as a fox.
Big fox, so that’s what it is? I am the rabbit and you the fox so I must run and you must chase?
Little rabbit, yes such is our way. We were deluded to think it could be otherwise
excerpt from a poem i'm writing
embrace
Kalmoah is at the bottom. And loosing. The funny thing is. It's the most toxic relationship in fiction. Hannigram and destiel got nothing on kalmoash in terms of toxicity. Maybe it will Win a toxicity poll. This goes to show how few people know about it. Will explore it in the next post.
Let the war begin
I’d never seen the recording footage version of “Toxic Love” from Fergully..
He’s turned it up to 11 and he doesn’t even look like he’s TRYING that hard!
get out of my head, get out of my head
Please release me from this torment
which was once tender
has become a severe punishment
and even when I asked for ransom,
you tore and stoned me
and even when death do us part
you will roam my house
tear my happiness and freedom
and tormente my poor unfortunate soul
that one day I was your beloved once
and in seconds I was your hated one
so please get out of my head
how I feel listening to Ultraviolence after being manipulated by the girl I love
What kinda toxic ass relationship does she think is okay.
I give and I give and I give and all she ever does is take and never gives anything in return.
She loves my dad but doesn't even care about me.
Before you even ask who hurt me, it was kitty, my cat, who I named, who I petted, who I gave a special treat that she doesn't usually get.
And she just went back to him, because apparently I'm not good enough.
Oh what a bitch!
Sylris is such a weird man. He’s the bad guy, but he doesn’t need to use brute force to get what he wants—he just talks. And the most impressive thing? He NEVER lies! It’s something he decided to do, and somehow everything he says is the truth. Maybe part of the truth, maybe the truth of a single perspective, a twisted and sick truth, but still, a truth. (“The people hate you”, “Ethan is safer away from here”, “Hiélo is getting tired”, “You hurt them because you chose to.”)
So when he says he loves Kenyan, he means it???? Like, WUT?????????????
And that contrast is so good, because he never lies and is the villain, while Kenyan is the one who lies all the time and is the victim.
This man is so ridiculously smart, I’m genuinely impressed. To use his shapeshifter skills, he gotta study anatomy in a pretty specific way; so he probably knows a lot about medicine and could work as a doctor, if he wants to (a disguise to use, an easy way to access people…)
In extension, he knows about psychological science and can make a conversation go the way he wants, hence why he’s so good at being a king, do whatever he wants, and blame Kenyan for it. Because of it, he can be both the abuser as the healer; he makes Kenyan hurt them, and he appears to fix everything. It’s so crazy that he convinced even Kenyan that she is to blame, and that he’s there standing by her side, willing to help while “everyone ran from her”.
Now, you tell me, what kind of person would stay sane at these circumstances?????? What kind of person wouldn’t realize that it’s easier to just stop rowing against the waves?????? Kenyan had to give up at some point, go insane, act as he wants, AND I DON’T BLAME HER AT ALL. He made it look as if she had no other choice; what hand would she take if not his?!!!!!
This man is wild 😦
Love hurts.
This is a great list and so very true. You find a lot of this toxicity in Dd/lg and D/s relationships too. It is so important to establish a healthy relationship no matter what relationship type you are in. It is important that your partner is always respectful of you, your needs, your boundaries, your goals in life and that they always support your personal growth. If your partner doesn’t do this for you then you need to rethink your relationship. If you can’t do this for your partner then you need to work on your own issues and trauma first. There’s nothing cool, sexy or romantic about toxic habits. Build good relationships, respect yourself and your partner. Always!
What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"
the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love
the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities
the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, either you’re inadequate or they’re too needy
the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else
the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity
the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship
the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on
the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life
the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself
“i realize now, that loving him was neither beautiful nor poetic; it was knowingly walking through hell every day and losing myself there.”
- a.m. {trying to love someone who is too broken to be fixed}
i tore myself apart, trying to give you the whole world. and when i returned - bloodied, exhausted and proud - somehow, for you it still wasn't enough.
-a.m. {will i ever be?}
I get how Raoul seems to be the better choice for Christine and I don’t think he’s whiny or a drunk -
It’s just that he’s terribly gaslight-y - brushing away her fears and everything else with a - it’s fine I’ll protect you, the phantoms not even real just your imagination - and I think that’s a really sucky and toxic thing to do to anyone - especially when in a relationship with them
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Imagine: Peter (your boyfriend) part 3
Peter doesn’t reconize you, but the two of you went to high school together and he broke your heart, now it’s your turn to break his...
At first you didn’t have a plan. You wanted to test him, see how he would react...
Recently he would come to your work place and wait either at a table, watching you work...
Or outside hiding in a dark alley with his hoodie on. He thought he was being sneaky but you knew he was there...
The first thing you did was ignore him in public. He would raise his hand wave and you would walk past him or simply not aknowledge him
When he was at the dinner you woukd ask TK to take care of his order. You could see how much it pissed him off...
This little game kept on going until he snaped (a little) and grabed your arm when you were passing by
His eyes litteraly begged for your attention, his cheeks lightly pink,
you didn’t know if the tears that were creeping in the corner of his eyes were of anger, sadness or desperation...
But you allowed him a conversation, after all ignoring him was starting to get boring...
You exchange phone numbers and at some point, maybe in he let something slip in his text or you just noticed the weird van who was always parked in front of your window...
You noticed he was REALLY stalking you... in a weird way it made things more exiting for you
You had to find ways to make him pay without him noticing and he was ALWAYS looking at you...
Him... looking at you... you
A part of you hated the fact that it took him years for him to look at you. If he had noticed you back in high school you...
Well it’s not what happen, he didn’t notice you, in fact he despised you and he broke your heart... never forget that
The two of you would start to text each other, you allowed yourself to be more flity with him just to tease him a bit.
Then in person you would act all innocent and clueless
When you knew he was watching you at your appartment you would put some kind of show for him,
wearing lighter clothes, staying at your windows more often...anything to drive him crazy
Sometime when you were especially bored you would plan a date night with one of your friends and made sure he was watching
One time you "accidently" called him and let him hear as you flirted with them
A part of you knew it was a dangerous game. He was stalking you after all. This guy was clearly unstable...
But the grunts of frustration he would make when you talk to him about how much you loved your friends...
The desperation in his eyes when you were flirting with someone else in front of him...
His eyes...
On you...
To make sure he didn't do anything too violent you would spend a specific amount of time with him each time you emotionally tortured him
A five minutes conversation each time you flirted with a custoner at work in front of him...
A "date" each time you would have date night with your friends...
Just enough to keep him hooked.
You thought everything was under control... but underestimated how much he loved you.
You were going back home after one of your "date" with TK. Maybe it was mean to your friend, knowing he had a little crush on you but you were clear that you saw him as a friend and that all the flirting was purely platonic. You forgot to mention that it also was to drive your stalker crazy. Like before you manage to "accidently" call him and let him hear you spend time with TK. He was probably watching you... you, just you, only you~
You'll be lying if you said you didn't enjoy his attention. Deep down you wished things were different, that you could love him fully... but...
You pretended to noticed that you had called him and and cealled him back.
"Hi Peter. I accidently called you again, haha. How you doing?" You only heard heavy breathing as a responce. "Peter? Are you... are you there?" You asked. You heard a low chuckle before he hang up The next thing you heard was footsteps of someone running toward you. Before you knew it a cloth was covering yoir mouth and your vision slowly started to fade.
"Goodnight darling~"
Mania and Ludus
Two other oc of mine and are the origin of some kind of yandere curse. When I make yandere oc or when I include yandere in my stories I don’t like to attribute this terme to a certain mental illness for many reason. One I don’t like the association "mentally ill people = monsters" and two it give me more freedom in how I can explore my caracters without having to worry if my representation of a condition is accurate or not.
Now that it’s said, let me tell you the story of Mania and Ludus and how they became the Goddess of obcessive love and the god of playfull love.
Mania loved Ludus... in her own way
And Ludus loved Mania... in his own way.
It’s a shame they weren’t able to reconize the love they had for each other. They were traped in their own world, their own pain, unable to see the other as anything else but the role they needed them to play in their own life.
They were kids at first, born from neglecting fathers and either overprotective or uninterested mothers. The scars from their younger years left a hole where their hearst was suppose to be. A huge void, empty of feelings and compassion.
Doctors from all around the kingdom were called yo heal the young prince, the only heir to the throne. But none of them could do anything, the prince had to stay with this hole in his chest.
Mania’s mother was a witch, therefore she knew why this hole had appeared and she knew that the only person who could heal her was herself.
The whole in his heart kept Ludus from becoming a knight. He was unable to run, jump or laugh. Keeping him locked in this castle a silent castle. The rumors of his void in his chest driving people away and making him the hole in his chest grow larger as he grew up.
The two of them fanaly met when Ludus’s father, the king, decided that it was time for him to learn how to be a proper king. He move him in the royal castle, bigger than the one he grew up in. Mania’s mom was the right hand of the king, therefre the two of them lived in the castle since as long as Mania can remember.
It only took one look for them to reconize the familiar hole in each other’s chest.
They quickly became friends, bonding over what they had in common. Mania was studying magic with her mother. She was able to potions ans spells, allowing Ludus to run faster, jump higher and laugh louder.
Ludus’s cute attentions changed Mania’s frown into a smile, shocking the servants in the castle.
The holes in their chest closed slowly , progressively.
But nothing last forever, their intense feelings died down. Going from a explosive fireworks to a warm fireplace. Comforting for Mania but insufficient for Ludus. After spending such a long time in heavy silence calm didn’t please him. He looked for the fireworks, he had found with Mania, in others. Piercing the heart of his friend, who had previously healed him.
Ludus went after meaningless relationship, short love that he quickly grew tired of. The more relationship he had the less intense and fun they became.
While he ran around, Mania’s heart bled until it became as cold as ice.
Ludus didn’t deserve such a vivid throbing heart... not after wha he had done to Mania.
So she pulled it out ofhis chest. Still warm... still throbing... he couldn’t run anymore...
Soon Mania wasn’t able to run too, the ice of her heart frooze her flesh and bones... even her tears refused to spill out of her eyes.
The lesbeans.