Depressing Thoughts - Blog Posts

You are the air I need to breath. My body has grown dependent on you and you don’t even acknowledge my existence anymore. I’m suffocating without you. And you learned how to breathe without me.

theheartoftheplanet

You Never Know

You never know who is struggling with depression every single day all day long. It could be the girl who held the door open for you with a smile, even tho you were half way across the parking lot. It could have been the boy who spoke a quiet "excuse us" as he and his mom walked in front of you as they made their way down the aisle. It could be the girl who smiled and waved as they past you driving down the road. It could be the girl who greets you every morning. It could be the boy who gives you his lunch because he can't eat it. It could be anyone, and you would never know. So if a girl holds the door open, boy who says excuse us, girl who smiles and waves, girl who greets you, or the boy who gives you his lunch always smile and say thank you. Say it's fine. Smile and wave. And give a piece to him. Make their day as much as they made yours. Even if it was such a simple gesture.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm so useless I'm sorry I don't get good grades I'm sorry I don't like school I'm sorry I sleep too much I'm sorry I'm not open enough I'm sorry I don't like talking over the phone I'm sorry I stay up all night unable to sleep I'm sorry I'm sad all the time I'm sorry I worry to much I'm sorry I have flashbacks I'm sorry i get scared over nothing I'm sorry I don't eat I'm sorry I have to take pills I'm sorry I cut I'm sorry I want to die I'm so so sorry

Me: * tells mom I’m not a Christian and am an Omnist. Also so very nervous and scared that I feel visibly sick* Mom: * yells at me and says we are going to church and that I am Christian and Christian only.* Also Mom: * says no matter what I be or choose to do in life she will always be there to support me* I’m so confused and sad.

There it was being torn from my chest she had not one care in the world. I watched it happen, I felt it like nothing else before. There was nothing I could do, trying to stop it made it worse. As the heart laid there in pieces I wondered what to do until my last breath.

My aesthetic is crying in beautiful places.

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

20’s

I thought my 20’s would be different. I thought it would adventures with my friends, lots of nights in the arms of someone I love, and working like a dog making a name for myself in my career.

It’s not like that. I spend most of my nights alone and forgetting my value because I’m so lonely. As for the career thing, well goddamn me for thinking my path forward would be more sensical.

Tonight is just one of those nights where I’ll probably cry, listen to sad songs, burn gas driving around then come back home accepting my fate. The loneliness I feel hurts my skin, my head and my heart. Why does living feel so overrated? My thoughts feel like they’re on shuffle. I wish I wasn’t so tormented. I thought I’d found peace... I guess it’s back to the drawing board.

(11.6.17)

I sit here and put words on a paper that I otherwise do not dare to say. I don’t know who to talk to. When I mention what I think about I get told that it’s only because things are just not going my way right now. Funny. I suppose things haven’t been going my way last year either. Or the year before that. Or the year before. I don’t remember not feeling like this. These words, there the same. For years now. I’m writing them down because I’m unable to say them to anyone.

I’ve reached out for help before. Got weird looks from people when I told them that I need to talk to someone. Got told that they wouldn’t be able to help me because I just needed to get over this. Everyone feels like this once in a while.

I went there once. Got told I felt like this because I’m not taking control over my life. The situation was uncomfortable. I didn’t go a second time. They asked for feedback afterwards. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for not listening, I still don’t know how to not hate myself. How to not cry. How to make my chest stop hurting. How to stop feeling like I’m drowning.

Now the thought of talking to someone is even scarier. I don’t like to talk to people anyway. What if I take all my courage and ask for help again, only to be told it’s my own fault? I know it’s my fault. I tell myself that every day. I don’t need another person telling me the same.

Potential

Hush

Too far, too wide, too fast

Not yet

Don’t go

Don’t, won’t

Don’t, can’t

Not now

Beware

Hush now

Haven’t done, won’t do

Couldn’t do, won’t do

What can I do?

Can’t do

And can’t and can’t and can’t

I’m scared

Don’t ask

It’s staying up at night

Listening to the ticking of the clock,

the sounds from outside.

It's being distracted for just a short time

by the light of the streetlight

shining through the carelessly closed shutters

It’s hoping not having to face the next day

It’s numbing fear

Waking up the next morning,

starting the day with newfound motivation

It’s creeping up throughout the day

Doing the dishes,

writing an essay,

drinking coffee

And suddenly it’s there

Here’s a sketch I was doing in class I always think my life in a bubble like this 

Ella no sabe....

Mi mama no sabe que me he parado en la orilla de un Puente agarrando me del barandal pensando si saltar o no Ella no sabe ni sabrá que estoy triste y enojada por todo lo que perdimos Ella no sabe cuán enojada estoy por todo lo que me robaron Ella no sabe que no puedo dejar que un chico me toque porque me da asco Ella no sabe cuantas noches he pasado llorando Ella no sabe cómo he apretado mis uñas contra mis mejillas al taparme la boca intentando no llorar para no preocupar la Ella no sabe nada de mi dolor Ella no sabe pero sabe... Sabe cómo gritarme cosas cada día más hirientes

— Por favor, por favor, déjame volver a dormir yo no quería volver a despertar— le supliqué muy despacio con muy poca voz....no me quizo escuchar — Please, Plese, let me go back to sleep, I didn't want to wake Up again anymore— I begged very slowly with a little voice .... They deos not want to hear