Kinda Depressing - Blog Posts

You know it’s bad when you see a picture of Kit Connor and Joe Locke cuddling and you don’t smile.

I need help.💔

Sometimes, I feel very neglected.

By me, my parents, my boyfriend...just kinda ignored and unwanted.

I feel like I shouldn't exist.

It's different than being suicidal...it's more like the dissatisfaction of my life consumes me and I just don't want to exist.

I try to be happy, I try VERY hard.

I try and I try; also, if that isn't enough, I try even more. However, I always end up back at dissatisfaction.

I am blessed, I am thankful and grateful for my blessings. I feel horrible about my dissatisfaction because I am so blessed that I shouldn't even be dissatisfied.

I just want to know, does anyone else feel this way?

…It’s raining in my city, right now…

(Actually, it’s storming. Pretty badly.)

h34r7

Thank you for clearing this up! I always assumed it was to make themselves feel better about venting and relying too much on a child.

Now I know my lack of a carefree childhood was not the fault of the adults in my life. I was simply born depressed.

How will you remember me ?

Will you remember me

By the times I told you I loved you or by the times that I showed you the same?

Cause if it's former geez I'm sorry, I hope you reminisce the latter.

Will you remember me

When you see my favorite flower or by the scent of my favorite perfume?

If it's the former I left you a plant and the latter in a box among your clothes.

Will you remember me

By the silly fights i picked or by the number of times I apologized?

If it's former or the latter, maybe you should remember me by something else.

Will you remember me

By my imperfections, will you remember all of my flaws?

I hope it's both former and latter, cause those are the parts of me that loved you the most.

Will you remember me

When you play our videos or will you hear my voice as you read this?

If it's former you better save it forever, if it's later I wish it never fades.

Will you remember me

After a year, will you remember us after a decade?

I tried to leave back pieces of me, because I'm scared of you forgetting the latter.

One of us is dead.

It's dark outside, it's dark inside

I woke up from the crash without you beside.

It's dark outside, it's dark inside

All I can feel is my hand covered in blood that's dried.

A blaze of light, an ear-splitting screech

Before I could grasp, you were out of reach.

A blaze of light, an ear-splitting screech

While we desperately try to hold on to each.

The world upended, everything still

What just happened? Was it real or just a drill?

The world upended, everything still

A feeling down my spine, is it blood or just a chill?

I lay there, feeling the time cease

Exhausted as the pain increased.

I lay there, feeling the time cease

Wishing I could just sleep in peace.

Days skip ahead, Weeks skip ahead,

You don't see the tears I shed.

Days skip ahead, Weeks skip ahead,

You don't hear a word I said.

I lose count, Time skips ahead,

And I realize one of us is dead.

Thoughts from the ledge

Standing on top of the tower one night,

Knees shaking from fight or flight,

Cold wind swishing past my numb face

As my heart starts picking up its pace.

I took a minute to look around

The shops, the people and the city's sound

Massive buildings standing upright

Others with their blue and red neon lights.

Then I stared at the ground below,

And how it would feel to finally let go

Twenty-something but I've felt enough

That I stand on the ledge and not to bluff.

I saw many streets that I still couldn't name

I've been here for two decades, what a shame!

That's when the irrational optimism kicks in

To hold on to the ledge, to find strength within.

So I step back and sit to clear my mind

To think of everyone I'd have to leave behind,

Places I'll never be, and moments I'll never seize,

And just maybe, in between life I'll find my peace.

- ( 🛹 )

𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘶𝘯𝘢 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘦,𝘭𝘰 𝘴𝘰.𝘚𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘨𝘭𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘳𝘪,𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘶𝘯 𝘱𝘰̀ 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘰.𝘘𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘤𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘻𝘻𝘰...𝘕𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦.𝘗𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘰 𝘥𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘰,𝘮𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰 𝘯𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦.𝘗𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘰 𝘥𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘦̀ 𝘮𝘪 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘪̀...𝘔𝘢 𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘢̀ 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘭𝘰 𝘴𝘢..𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘴𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘢 𝘩𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰 𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘣𝘦.𝘝𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘪 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘤𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦 𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦.

𝘗𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘷𝘳𝘦𝘪 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘳𝘦.𝘚𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘪 𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘯 𝘱𝘦𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘭𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘳𝘪.𝘔𝘪 𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘪̀ 𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘰...𝘝𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘪 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘯 𝘱𝘰𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘰 𝘱𝘪𝘶̀ 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘦..

𝘔𝘢 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘦̀ 𝘮𝘪 𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘰 ??𝘎𝘭𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘳𝘪 𝘷𝘰𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘰𝘪𝘢 𝘦𝘥 𝘦̀ 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘳𝘰̀.𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘰̀ 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰,𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘰.

𝘐𝘦𝘳𝘪 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘷𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘢𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘦.𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘰 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘪 𝘥𝘢 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦.𝘐𝘯 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘭 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘢 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢 𝘴𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘻𝘢.𝘗𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘰 ,𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘢 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘥𝘶𝘵𝘰.𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦.𝘓𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘢 𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘵𝘢,𝘮𝘪 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘰̀ 𝘪𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘢𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦 𝘮𝘪 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘰̀ 𝘤𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦...

𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘷𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦.𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘦 𝘵𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘧𝘰.𝘓𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘢 𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘢 𝘧𝘢 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘧𝘰 𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘰.𝘔𝘪 𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘪̀ 𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘢̀ 𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘮𝘪 𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘦̀ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘰,𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘪 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦...𝘕𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦 𝘴𝘪 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘢̀..

𝘈 𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢 𝘥𝘪 𝘮𝘦 𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘰 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘯𝘦.𝘓𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘭𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘯𝘦..𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘪 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘦̀ 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦,𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘦̀ 𝘧𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘰.𝘕𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘦̀ 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘮𝘦,𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘪 𝘷𝘶𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘰.

𝘚𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘰,𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘶𝘯 𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘦..𝘕𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘪 𝘥𝘰𝘷𝘶𝘵𝘰 𝘯𝘢𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘳𝘦.𝘔𝘪 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘴𝘪̀ 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘰 𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘨𝘭𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘳𝘪.𝘕𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘦..𝘕𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘰 𝘤𝘪 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘲𝘶𝘦.

𝘛𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘪 𝘮𝘪 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘰 𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘰,𝘮𝘪 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘰..𝘐 𝘮𝘪𝘦𝘪 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪 𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘰.𝘐𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘰.𝘚𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘶𝘯 𝘰𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘰,𝘶𝘯 𝘨𝘪𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘪 𝘴𝘪 𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘢..

𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘳𝘰̀ 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘰...

Me: I wished I was never born

My mom: I wished you were never born

Me: >:0

It always fuck me up when i see a family thats close with each other.

Like how can you be sitting in a room with you mother and not getting flashbacks from the mental abuse she did when you were young.

Tom on tomblr: he’s got so many defenses; even his charm and his charisma and his playfulness is a kind of defense

me, watching intently while fancily waving my hand that is holding a turkey stick like a cigar: isn’t it just the same for us all, dear tomithy. I would never admit to feeling depressed to my family without some sort of “underlying” humor to it *laughs in french*

//posting this on instagram as i usually do would make me look like an attention whore so i'm just gonna write everything here bc i know no one's ever gonna read it - looks like i'm being overdramatic and complaining for nothing but i've been keeping this for myself for too long\\ + /!\tw: mentions of self-harm and suicide/!\

it's 12am and i've been crying for a few hours and every new thought i have, every single thing i look at makes me cry some more. i know i've been feeling down for years and even worse this year and a literal hell since i moved here alone, but the last few days have been the worst so far. i don't even know where to start, this life is just a fucking mess and i can't keep that weight on my shoulders anymore. it feels like i'm wandering alone as i've always been and whenever i hit rock bottom it somehow gets worse. whatever makes me happy one day is gonna destroy me the next one.

every time i get a call from my family or even when they visit, i tell them that everything's fine, the neighborhood is not so bad, school is really great and i'm making friends. friends, i tell them i'm good, not at my best but not at my worst either, no i don't own a cat but these little cuts are nothing to worry about and no worries because i can handle it. when really i've been walking around in this damn apartment for a week now and it made me lose it. i haven't eaten anything since last week (not a real meal at least, just some dumb stuff here and there), i cry myself to sleep every night, i listen to the same triggering songs on repeat, i go crazy and hide myself whenever someone's yelling in my street because it scares me, i lay in bed all day and night doing nothing and blankly staring at the ceiling, it makes me realize how i don't really have anyone by my side, someone that knows and that can act on it, no one to ease my pain as it's no one's role. also i've been sick for a few days now so i couldn't even get out of bed, i'm completely dehydrated from the crying and sweating because my body really shouldn't be reaching such a high temperature, my throat is burning, i'm starving but it just makes me feel very nauseous so i won't eat, and i woke up 4 times last night, i had hallucinations on the 4th time. when i finally got up i could barely walk and i found myself wondering where i was, i was feeling high and lost, i nearly fell in the hallway while being dizzy and trying to figure things out. i also noticed that no one's talked to me in days, except the few people i texted first and it certainly isn't helping me.

i usually spend most of my days daydreaming to escape reality but a week ago it changed and my mind's been busy with something else. i haven't been able to daydream since and i'm just forced to face my thoughts and the reality around me. so today after sitting and crying on my desk for a few hours, i just lost it, felt the need to yell and destroy everything, smash the furniture, burn the drawings, break every single object i own and used to enjoy. i didn't do any of this, but i wish i did. i'm usually dissociated from reality and now that i'm faced with it, it just makes no sense and it's driving me crazy. i thought about getting drunk, or taking too many pills, or cut some more, whatever. and then i burst into tears again and fell on my bed as i realized that it would take days, even weeks, before someone notices that i'm missing. they couldn't care less, everyone's busy with their own issues as it should be.

i keep telling myself that we all deal with some really fucked up shit, but i'm the weak one that just can't manage. the others are not breaking down like this, driving themselves crazy, or maybe they are but i can't see it. and i'm just a mess, i can't handle this. i hate this place, i'm scared of this creepy neighborhood, i'm failing all my classes, i'm not able to take care of myself - never been -, i've got no one to tell this to so i'm writing it on this dumb website and it's gonna be lost forever, i never had anyone by my side, i've been letting this loneliness kill me softly for years, the fact that no one's ever been interested in me confirms my thoughts about myself, whatever i bought to fill up this apartment is not me, my drawings are not art, they're just pieces of paper i covered to ask for help but it never fixed anything; just watch me give up and let go of this. it makes no sense anyway, i've only ever lived in my head but it's poisoned and i just can't keep going. i was never meant to be a part of this, nothing ever felt right - and what did just left me - and all of this just feels like i'll keep messing up again and again until the end.

i'm exhausted.

So close. So close. I wish I were dead.

Maybe one day I'll finally find somewhere to wrap my noose around. Until that day comes, I am happy.

It’s my birthday and Iv been crying my eyes out and I’ve only been 19 for 3 minutes