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Life Struggles - Blog Posts
Spilled Thoughts
...I’m tired.
Not physically, but in an emotional way...
I feel like I hide too much...
From friends,
From family,
From everyone...
...I’m tired of this mask...
When can I take it off?...
Why is kindness such a rarity?
Who made it abnormal to treat another human as if they actually are a living, breathing being?
What caused us to retreat so far into ourselves that we don’t notice the pain around us?
When did we become like this?
...and how can we change it?
That moment when you're feeling kind of freaky BUT you are on the ace spectrum and need a close bond to want to do anything with someone else BUT you are single and it would take months to create that type of bond BUT you don't actually want a relationship at the moment and generally aren't in the right headspace for one...
Such is life, full of insurmountable obstacles.
meta lately: hello :) we've made these handy little updates that'll make your life oh so hellishly more difficult for the next few months *force-feeds me confetti with a spoon*
how completely average and cisgender of me to write pages on pages about why I deserve to have surgery..
People point out the dreadful John/Joan case, (dr. Money did do useful research in his time too, but, ew) and somehow frame it as evidence against trans people. Absurd, since the results are actually proof, that neither sex & biological factors, nor the environment (upbringing, social roles etc.) affect our gender -just the extend to which we're comfortable expressing & discussing it. Poor David was a boy. He didn't turn into a girl, despite the sex reassignment surgeries, and being shoved into the feminine mold by his social surroundings. Which made him extremely uncomfortable. (I won't go into details, the life of the Reimer twins was a tragedy, but do read up, if you're interested.)
I've heard some extreme people claim we're 'making people (think they're) trans', or encouraging children to have surgery. I've never heard this happen, but it exists in these people's minds. I would agree; it's a terrible idea to actively try & change someone's gender experience. We shouldn't be messing with children's healthy genitals. No one should be forced to abide by gender roles. Thing is, that's exactly what the world is currently doing to many trans & intersex (as well as cis) kids. I wish the general public would understand how crucial this is.
Some days I will look into the mirror and see a stranger. Or looking back at me might be someone I've been searching desperately on another day, yet now grieve to see. It is not that I'm a stranger to myself, my soul I know, but these expressions, they don't belong on a face I'd read as mine. This form betrays me. These feet can't carry, and this voice can't say.. it frustrates me. And I search. I run these fingertips across it, sometimes enjoying bits of it, sometimes wondering if there's somehow I might mold it to better fit. But the truth is there's nothing much wrong with the body. I might admire it even, were I not trapped in it. But it doesn't feel like it should belong to me, doesn't feel right on me.
mie: *koittaa myydä tarpeettomia vaatteita pois*
tori: Valitse sukupuoli
tori: *ei anna valita kategoriaa/julkasta ilmotusta ilman sukupuolta*
mie:
Government: work from home
me: works 10 hours a day
also me: feels intensely unaccomplished
it is snowing where I am & I need to be elsewhere in a matter of hours
I live in two worlds, always 100% convinced that the one I’m currently in is the ‘real one’ and the other’s a mind trick, a dream of sorts, and I have no way of telling when I’m right, if at all.
me: I'm just gonna take a little break from this and read my book for awhile. I've spent hours with this damn project already
280 pages later: umm... ups?
One more reason to move abroad: homeschooling in Finland is so damn hard, expensive and socially unexpected/alien, that it’s practically impossible for an average parent to do.
Why does Tumblr think I wanna see all this tasty-looking stuff, when I'm literally staring at 2 kilos of chocolate across the room knowing I can't eat any 'cause it’s for the festival?
All the guys I like are gay, all the girls I like are straight.
Life, why so hard?
When you texted someone as a kid actually wanting to have a nice chat, but the other person just didn't care..
If someone tells you they are depressed and not doing well. Please listen to them it is not your place to judge and tell them they are faking it for attention.
Every day, I feel like a failure. No matter how hard I try, I keep falling short. It’s hard not to feel like I’m losing at life. 💔
Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.
Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.
What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.
I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.
I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.
I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.
Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.
But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.
I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.
I NEED Caleb to model for me. That WILL bring me out of my artblock istg