Heartache - Blog Posts

Do you ever just miss the way a person made you feel? Probably not the person anymore but just that one point in the relationship where you thought everything was perfect and they made you feel so so safe. When they'd hold you in their arms, squeezed you tight and told you they'd never let you go. And now you feel an echo of the places they'd caress and touch you and you remember the love you felt them put into every trace of your skin. But now they're gone and all you feel is this hollow and fleeting sensation followed by the cold prickling loneliness. You didn't even do anything wrong, they just got so twisted up in themselves that one day they let out all the hate they had bottled in. On you, simply because they knew just how much you loved them and would've taken everything they gave but then one day they were just gone.

Friendships are such an interesting component of humanity. They truly serve us in a valuable way in terms of finding connection, interaction, community, and belonging. It’s fascinating and colorful to also see how different people think and value friendship and companionship. I had a rough conversation with my mother about some problems that I have been having about my own friendships at the moment. She brought up the fact that she doesn’t rely on friendships that much because she had a strong relationship to her family that she knew would never waver. She saw reoccurring patterns in the people that she attempted to be friends with, was continuously hurt by people that were a risk to trust, so she realized that friendship wasn’t that important to her.

There is always a risk when you meet someone, or are trying to make friends, or start a new relationship. Deciding what, when, how, and why you want to share with people is always risky, and exposing and opening yourself to people is always a hard thing to do. But why is it so easy for me? I actually find a lot of comfort and release when I open up to people and share who I am with people. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing my authentic self when I let go of expectations and hesitations about who people think I am when I just honestly tell people about myself. However, as a sophomore in college, I have learned to fear that side of myself. I have learned the patterns of hurt and betrayal that surround me with friendships, and even the problems that I am experiencing right now with my friends follow the same trend. I value and think of friendships to be a deeper connection than what most people think for themselves. My family never served to treat me in a loving, caring, affectionate, stable way, and didn’t teach and show me how relationships work and function. Through the abuse and trauma that they inflicted on me, I don’t have a safe space that my mother had when she was growing up. She had a bright, caring family to come back to, I have a dark chasm of self hatred and longing. A chasm that is reserved and meant to be filled by the love, affirmation, and belonging by my family.

So I look to friendships instead to fill that chasm. I pour my all into trying to build a support system through friendships that grow. Being seen, recognized, accepted, and loved put the pieces back together that have always been broken inside me. But the pieces only held together by aging glue. Until they fall apart again because those seemingly supportive friendships weren’t as supportive as I was led to believe. I have a twisted view on friendships, believing that the way that I see and value my friends are, by default, the same way that my friends see and value me, but that is a lie that I keep telling myself. I don’t mean the same thing to them, the same way they mean to me. Why is that so hard for me to understand and live with? Maybe it’s because they will never be the family that I should have received growing up. Maybe it’s because I have too much baggage to be supported by the unstable connections between us that I am desperately relying on. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places for something that will never be found because the time for that has long passed. Or maybe the problem is just me?

My friends do not owe me anything. My friends are not obligated to constantly support me and fill/fix the everlasting holes within me. Do I address my issues with them? Even when I know that they probably will be offended by what I have to say? I am putting them in an impossibly difficult place. But is it so wrong of me to not to want to be alone? Is it wrong of me to want to feel like I am not broken or damaged, and want to feel like I have people I can come back to no matter what? But maybe that opportunity is not meant for me anymore. Maybe this is all I am meant to get from relationships at this point. I should be more grateful for what I have, for my friends, and for everything that they have done for me, but I can’t help but want for more. But alas, friendships aren’t meant to be used for self-gratification, for me to feel liked, loved, accepted. For me to feel like me, just once, in my fucked up life. please… But maybe this is a sign that instead of trying so hard to get something that is impossible to get, I should learn to live and adapt to what people’s emotional capacities are. I should be willing to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires, and be real with the rest of the world. Because in reality, the time has passed for the world to be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. Now the world will never be enough.

I write for you because I can't kiss you. So I hope my words would.

Someone go tell my home that i'm homesick for her.

I say stuff here so I don't accidentally say it out loud.

You get a piece! You get a piece! Everyone gets a piece of my heart.

Take your time. Take what was mine. See if it fits.

Looking to give away all of it. Not of any use to me anymore.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it’s broken.”

— Amy Poehler

You are my only heartache. I don't want anyone else.

She will never love you back.

It's not about gaining her love, It's about giving her all the love she deserves.

And then more.

You might not be here always but you are always here when it matters most.

I work so hard because whenever I stop I start thinking about you and that I cant stop.

Attatched .

" What did U expect? "

I didn't get over you yet, Darlin'. And I'm still shattered.

I guess you're satisfied now.. You still come to my mind, tho I don't want it anymore.

You really do, yes. It's just that I'm not present to see it on your face now. I wouldn't have bear it if I was present anymore anyway.

Can't I just erase you from my mind, memories and my heart? How do you look so fine, while I am here, struggling to even eat to survive.

How unfair the world is..

Don't you agree..,

Love?

: Kachy ♡.

Talks so quick when happy.

Amazing camera work.

Could kill me and I’d say thank you.

How I wish I was MJ or Gwen.

Maybe even Cellbit.

Barley even known him.

Heart already open.

Wish I could maybe say hi.

But alas,

He shall never see I.

The flowers in our garden eden grew so fast

But now the sun is gone forever, i am crying

Gone is the once so precious seed

Intoxicated by the love i bleed

It’s blue because i cannot breathe

Spilling out butterflies and all these lies

oops, there goes my mind

Six feet deep and all i’m saying’s “hello, Rohrschach”

~2amdreamboutya

Missing You

Missing you is like that one breeze of wind that brings out memories that you didn’t even knew existed, but as soon as that wind gently brushes against your skin you are suddenly teleported back to those memories, you are suddenly back at the exact spot where you stood years ago. Missing you is just like that, I will be fine for a while and then suddenly that wind gently caresses me and just reminds me of what all I have lost.

-Han D.

You'll always ache,

For a reason

Or the other.

So tread with patience,

This is all too new.

Be kind to yourself

Your heart is not ready

For another season of hurt and doom.

-simra.t

I made this piece a few months back and it took me enough mental strength to finally post what I have. The older version seemed somber and still, so I intensified the melancholy look, on how grief and heartache can continue to hold on after the moment(s) has passed.

But instead of trying to "Not think about it" or forget, sometimes it's best to get in tune with how you're feeling, imagining this feeling like a temporary visitor. Sit with it, hold its hand, tell it, "I see you, I hear you," and when you're ready, let them leave, until the next time if or when they come back.

Here's to peace, here's to healing, and here's to feeling your feelings this holiday season ✨

Hard to consider a certain level of personal growth and improvement when you can't get over something simple as an affair. We do everything so fast, we get to know each other, we send everyday text messages, we fall in love, kiss, have fights, get apart, get back together, get apart again and one day end up not talking to each other ever again. However we miss each other, whisper a name, a word, a feeling, but we are too proud to send a message, to proud to say how much we miss each other and then we let it die but it is never actually dead, somewhere inside you can still feel it and some times you wonder about how could it be if it ever worked out.

You will never know because you don't want to try to go after the person, you don't want to risk yourself, to hear a 'no', to get a cold message, you don't want to hurt yourself and your memories, you rather let it be the way it is.

"It is better this way."

But it is not. It is just safer. You don't want to be rejected by that person you care so much about. That person you have so many warm dreams about and get lost on thoughts imagining a perfect life together. You don't wanna risk all of that.

You just let it die.

In my life, what is your role?

Are you only in a chapter that one day I will close?

kudos to youshikibis' Blog.

DL link: http://youshikibi.com/one-ok-rock-35xxxv-2015-02-11/

Arrowed Heart

One day I drew the way I felt.

Sometimes you had planned so much about a life with a certain person in it, that even a picture or a memory of them today can make you feel completely empty from inside. Although you were happily living your life on your own till yesterday and its been years of not being in touch with them.

My first full text post...

I didn't imagine my first full text post to be this hard to write. It's the early hours of the morning & I've learned that one of my grandmas has finally passed on after battling throat cancer for at least 5 years. Unfortunately I wasn't able to be by her side because hey had moved her to a hospice house yesterday morning & during the time she was in a rough spot I've been sick with a cold. So of course, I try & be the good granddaughter & keep a distance to avoid passing it on to her. It hasn't been all bad though leading up to this moment. While I was attending college, for about 2 years up until I graduated, I've been living with her. The commute wasn't bad to make twice a week. What made it easier for me to keep going was knowing I had her & my cat Raven to come home too. She was one of the pillars of strength that made it possible for me to achieve my dream of getting a college degree in writing. I miss her so bad... It hurts so fucking much to know she won't be here with me anymore. No more road trips to the beach or the mountains. No more waking up & telling her, "Good morning," &, "I love you, grandma." No more watching TV shows together like NCIS & Hawaii Five-O. No more having her here to bounce ideas off of her for my writing. No more hearing her voice... I knew this day would come eventually. Everyone dies at one point, but it still hurts... Like someone ripped a piece of my heart out & stomped on it. I keep getting chocked up as I type this out. I know for the next few days I'll be drowning in sadness, & I'll let myself grieve. Yet I won't let it keep me down forever. I know my grandma Kay wouldn't want to me let this negativity stop me from achieving my dreams. So for her & myself, I will live on. I will achieve my dreams that I shared with her. I will achieve the dreams of being a published author. All my books, even if not written, will be dedicated to her. For my Grandma Kay was a strong woman who left an impression on people. She was an amazing person who touched the lives of many. She was a pillar of support & guiding light to me in my times of darkness. To my Grandma Kay up in heaven, thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for all the experiences we have shared together. Thank you for al, the memories we created together. Thank you for loving me with all your heart. I will cherish everything you have ever done & gave me for the rest of my life. I love you Grandma Kay, & may your time in heaven be wonderful as you reunite with Grandpa Art, family, & friends.

getting over somebody you never dated

except you did date them but it was in middle school but they were literally one of the best friends you ever had and even after they clearly couldn't stick to dating one person alone and you had to break up with them you were still each others perfect complement and continue to be so but they're a bad person who cheats and lies and manipulates but they're soft with you but you know it isn't real but kind of wonder if it is because they haven't changed around you since middle school and you're forever a little flirty and in love with each other and every time you talk you're best friends again but because it was middle school nobody lets you count it as a real relationship because you're young adults now and you let it slide because you hate them but you also don't and can't and never will and they're so mean to you but really they aren't they just call you out on your bullshit and you do the same thing but they have a lot more bullshit than you and you just really, really deeply in your soul know that they will never ever be a good person for you and refuse to heal from what hurt them and also kind of enjoy being a bad person who takes from people but when you're with them they're eleven again. And so are you. And you're wearing unicorn leggings and they're complimenting said leggings and they think you're the funniest, prettiest, most enthralling and intelligent and talented person they've ever met and they make sure you always know that and you both secretly always believe you're soulmates but awkwardly dance around that concept just like you did when you were eleven and twelve and awkwardly dancing around like-liking each other and you know they would always come back to you and you'd like to let them but value yourself too much to let them and sometimes, actually most times, you wonder if being with them could possibly hurt as much as being without them. And you know it would and all of your friends would be so mad at you and you'd be so humiliated and the only one who would understand would be your mom who went through the same thing and the only thing that stopped the feeling for her is that he fucking died and they have birthdays two days apart and you wonder if the universe is throwing round two at you and goddammit you wish you were eleven again and sharing a phone with your brothers and frantically saying goodnight while your oldest brother stands in your doorway looking pissed off and you hold their hand in the bleachers the next morning but pretend you aren't into it but you're still holding their hand anyway when you decide you're better of as friends and you still held their hand freshman year in history class because the lecture was boring and they let you color their bracelet in highlighters and told your shitty mean friends about it but they didn't get it and asked why you'd want to date someone you talked so much shit about and you say that you don't but that they haven't changed a bit and you miss how you feel with them and how you understand each other and you still make sly eye contact in sophomore year biology even when you date their best friend that sucked so bad he made you think you only liked girls and you still chose to sit behind them in psychology junior year and talk every day and let them pick your brain and laughed with them at lunch and let them take pictures of you so they could post them on your birthday but they never did because they had another girlfriend that they were cheating on again and you also watched them every day in english that year and were so happy to be in groups with them and you still drew them in your free time and you still watched them in english again your senior year because they looked so beautiful and had grown so much and were so confident now and you still dedicated an entire painting to them in your art class that nobody actually knew the meaning of. But I guess you never dated for real.

It’s a little lazy

Kris is so :3

I'd rather love and be hurt, than to never have felt the emotion.

Sometimes the scenarios i make up in my head amaze me.

They are so beautiul, so dreamy, so perfect, so much *needed*, it makes my heart ache from the thought that they can never come true, not ever in the exact same dreamy manner as they do in my mind. I would never find that perrffectt person and never will those deliberate- indeliberate touches and talks and gazes and moments happen...

It leaves me longing and hopeless, I guess my expectations from life , at moments, become too far-fetched.

The only way out, to turn them into reality, is to-

write down the scenario,

develop a story that is actually comprehensible (paiinnnn),

write a novel,

knock doors of publishing houses,

get it published,

work to make it a bestseller,

become a filmwriter and director,

find a producer,

get external validation for script and find rest of the crew ;))

find the perfect music that goes with my fantasy,

find the handpicked perfect cast,

and make it into a adaptation movie.

(excuse the inaccuracy my process. i am not well acquainted with all this, at least not in this universe, but that is just how i imagine)

Then all my dreams *might* come true. Is it too much? or a bare neccesity for my dream to reality journey, i will never know i guess...

(this also totaly disrupts my path of pursuing STEM career, leaving another dilemma at my hand. Life just wouldnt stop being so *REAL*, now, would it ? :I Now my options are a) Reincarnation, b) discover multiverse and travel to the universe where i did write a novel and make a movie about it, by myself, and watch that.... arghh the things we do for the love of love )

this was just a thought, no self-emotions were hurt in this post (ok, maybe a few) (excruciating pain right in middle of heart, a major headache here and there.)

🖤

I refuse to believe what we had was love.

You don’t drop the people that you love,

And you fucking threw me to the ground.

— written by tlm

🖤

"Won't it be easier for you if I just left, my existence causes you such a heartache Romeo, just let me go" said Juliet.

This isn't 16th century, this is not Verona. This is not the same story. But it ends the same for Romeo, by losing Juliet, by dying.

Romeo looked in her eyes for next two minutes, his eyes were full of water, not tears because he wasn't sure if he wanted to cry at this moment, he took a deep breath and said,

"I wish it were that simple my love, I wish you leaving solved it all. If you leave, you will go with a part of me that I would never be able to replace and I will die from inside. And if you stay, that part is going to ache so much, that I'll die anyway. But I'll die a happy man if you stay. I will lose you, I will die, and that's how our story ends and will end everytime my dear."

At this moment, both of their eyes were filled with water, holding hands, staring at each other they came close, Juliet hugged Romeo, and said, " But I won't be able to see you in such pain my love" and she left.