Prose Writing - Blog Posts

so, i came back to tumblr, after all! weird to be here, i've disappeared almost everywhere, the queen of ghosting. it was for a good reason. i've been dealing with a long period of crisis, gave up 2 semesters at uni, been stuck in my bed 23h/day (not a hyperbole). finally, i feel like coming back here.

in this whole period, i haven't done too much. couldn't read, watched not so many movies/tv shows, but i did listen to a bunch of music. that kept me a bit less depressed.

i feel like i have something inside of me that is trying too hard to get out, but i don't know how to do it; it's a feeling of creation. only a few people actually feel this, like they need to create something, to put it out, but haven't found a way yet. it's stuck, and it's a whole interwork.

AND altho i know that not many people follow me, neither know who i am or whatever, but to anybody reading this and going through something bad, i hope you get better. focus on your health. it'll pass, doesn't matter when, just be strong and keep fighting. this isn't a coaching shit or self-help bad book, but for experience of someone who's dealing with way too much. everyday is a new day to begin again, until you get it.

have a really muthafuckin great day, guys. much love to you. (that's for the 2 people maybe reading this lmfao thank you for being here) 🌧🤍

and so we stand, 2 lovers on opposite side of a great river without a clue on how to cross but unable to walk away maybe eventually we will find a way

Love comes back around

Sitting at the airport at 2am

Thinking about love and relationships and how they encompass so much of our lives

How someone you think you’d never love again becomes a life long partner

How a long time friendship turns into a steamy love story

How some people could never really move on from a love that was lost

How two ex lovers, one day, can’t be in the same room because feelings

How we miss our pets when we travel for a bit

How mum’s sometimes live for their kids

We go about our little lives but there is a big part of us and simply wants to love and be loved

There is no love here

Some places are simply selfish, they take and take and take for as long as it’s possible, some places are confusing, there is no back, there is no front, just a low buzzing level of chaos, some places are factual, they lack passion, authenticity, vibes, but the places that hurt are places where you realize that there is no love, knowing there is no love here, gives a different level of pain, it’s like a waking up but instead of coming to reality you are actually waking up on the opposite side, it’s cold and empty and a fucking nightmare

What does it feel like?

Anxiety feels like a weight on my chest

The weight is dependent on the day

Sometimes it’s heavy and sometimes it’s light

Anxiety feels like my lungs can’t suck in enough air

It’s feels like they can’t hold the air in for long

Short breaths

Anxiety feels like an uneasiness

Relentless undercurrent of unsettled energy

Constantly in alert mode

Constantly analyzing, thinking, ruminating

Anxiety feels unsafe

In those moments I just want to feel safe

On my own or helped by someone who cares and adores me

How do you decide what’s best for you?

I’m not sure if I can answer that question, I think it starts with asking yourself the hard questions.

Are you happy?

Will you be happy?

Does this make you happy?

Is this what you really want or is it what I think I should want?

Q: what do you want this year to feel like?

A: like sitting on your front porch with a midnight blue ceramic mug. it is filled to the brim with hot black coffee, the coconut milk still swirling. you are cupping it with both hands and holding it close to your chest, its golden rim glimmering in the early morning glow.

an herbal and floral steam rises from a pregnant earth that drips and dews, fills the air. a fine blanket of warmth falls over your face, your home, as sunlight begins to travel across and down and up and through. the snow is melting. it’s all melting. time is but a faint whisper these days, though you still wear it as a necklace. you take a sip. a bird lets out a sharp cry. then stillness. a car zooms by. then stillness. then stillness.

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Yes! It's not that easy.

Sometimes, it's really hard for me to express myself into words. Maybe, that's because I need to know myself more and more. But it is becoming easier with you now. You might be thinking there are so many things inside my head and I bring out only a bit of it. I don't know if I have the strength to hold onto myself but, I know one thing, I am able to hold onto you as tightly as possible because I don't want to let you go. You can call me selfish and yes I am, because it's you. When I do anything wrong to you, I really feel that guilt, that ache of not being able to apologize whereas my heart actually wants to, very badly. It isn’t right ! But I always believe in showing my flaws to you because I know it's only you who will value them wholeheartedly. I do several bad things out of anger, take wrong decisions but I realize it too with utter grievances towards myself. I start hating myself for not being able to apologize to you for every mistake. I am afraid I will lose you. At times, I don't want you to be anybody else's company except mine knowing that is selfish enough. I am sorry. You have that freedom. When I feel dull and sad not talking to you, I want you to feel the same too. I hope you understand. I don't force you to do anything because it will become a habit. I will constantly force you to do things and in the process I may lose the grip. But I want to have all the rights on you.

That night when you said I must show my right on you, I was so happy, indeed happy to see you are holding me with your all. I want to take care of you. I am a messy person but I would still keep you organized, learn and cook your favorite dish with all my love. I want to stay awake lying beside you when you are sick and caressing you to sleep would be my utmost priority. I take bad decisions to keep us aloof, to keep us safe and not to hurt us. Forgive me for that. I want to dress up according to your choices of attire, to read your kind of books and embrace the new changes in me, to sing your favorite songs, to travel to your favorite places. I want to talk to you about the silly white lies being told to make things work good. These things would make me happier. I guess this is an in-built part of me which I could never express.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

I want to be on my own travel the world flirt with every guy who gives me an irresistible smile

I want to be with you talking all night long fill my empty nights with your love

I want to be on my own work on myself do whatever the fuck I want when I want

I want to be with you writing endless love letters dancing in the snow until you throw me on the bed

I want to be free I want to be the woman you love

I want to love myself I want to love you

I want all of my thoughts to disappear.

_____________________________

There is something beautiful about being me

There is something beautiful about being me. I do not know if it is the endless amount of comfort I apply to myself like a muscle relaxer or maybe if it is the solace I find in my own company, my own mind, and conscience. Or maybe if it is the glowing brown skin adorned with artwork. Or the tireless hands who have life riddled between the palms. Sometimes, however, my mind is not a nice place to be. It whispers lies into reality and convinces me that what I see before me is more than it is. And it is not something I can run from, but rather something that has backed me into a corner and berated me. There is no running from the labyrinth of possibilities my mind lays in front of me. I wish I could count endless sheep or drown out the sound of the whispers with a repeated mantra over and over and over again, but my thoughts reign supreme. My thoughts control my day, my face, and my hands. But this mind that runs rampant throughout the day is mine to own. It is mine to claim and let it be known, there is a beauty to this madness. The beauty of seeing all sides of the same coin. Endless realities mean I do not have to be forced into one. There is beauty to owning something so wild, so dangerously quick, livid, and winding. There will always be another turn, another roundabout, or sharp right. And at the end of the day, at the end of my days, when my bones ache and my body begs for rest, there will still be my wild mind wreaking a beautiful havoc in my head.

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